ups and downs

My apartment manager is a complete fuck-tard.  My administrator at work has it in for me.  My girlfriend’s mom does not like me.

These things are giving me a shit-ton of anxiety in combination.  I would say that it might be me, but the apartment manager clearly has “small man” issues and needs to engage in constant power plays, my administrator doesn’t like my boss (and so by extension tries to take it out on me), and my girlfriend’s mom is, sadly, a miserable person.

Here are the good sides of each of those.  I am planning on moving out at the end of my lease this March or April.  My boss is a great protector for me and will go to bat for me against the administrator.  My girlfriend has already and will continue to talk to her mom about acceptable ways of treating me.

But now I am going to eat dinner and binge on Gilmore Girls.

 

past due parental meet up post

I never did get around to telling you about how it went when T met the parents.  I mean, I think I mentioned it briefly…

The first meeting was at my niece’s birthday party in June, as planned.  It was pretty chill; the parents were friendly.  There was no weirdness or angst.  I did find out after that my mom was upset that she was the last to know (my siblings knew first), but I told her there were pics of us on facebook, so if she ever logged in…  Anyway.  It was weird to have her upset that I hadn’t told her.  Encouraging almost.

Since then, there have been many opportunities to interact.  We went to a little shopping nook with my parents and sister and had lunch.  We did a day trip for my birthday.  There was another niece’s birthday.  My parents moved last month, so we’ve helped a few (3 or 4) times with that.  We’ve been out for my sister’s birthday.  They’ve been so friendly and open.  I’m sure they’d still rather I was not gay, but I’m so pleased they are being nice.  Mom even gives T hugs.

Honestly, I could have never expected this.  Granted, the level of excitement my mom feels for my brother’s girlfriend definitely eclipses how she feels about my own; however, that is to be expected.  (Although, I would like to point out that my brother’s girlfriend has not helped with the move even once. I’ve got that beat.  But I think T and I both feel like we need to go above and beyond to win the parents over.  Plus, I owe it to my folks. They’ve helped me out so much over the years.)

It’s good.  It’s weird and unexpected, but it’s good.  Maybe in time, they will see it as a good thing, as well.

Cats & Carrot Sandwiches

If I open the window in my apartment, at any point, no matter where she is, my Shelby-cat comes running.  It’s kind of funny.  I feel bad for her in the winter, because I so rarely open the window.  I just did, however, since it was feeling rather stuffy.  So she’s up there, sitting directly in front of the freezing cold air coming in through the screen, and joined by my Sophie-cat (but with slightly less enthusiasm).

That is not what I meant to write about, but my cats are just so darn cute. I recently got a good picture of them together–I’ll post it sometime so you can agree with me.

I can’t write about politics on here.  I’m too anxious about it.  Nothing I hear or read is good.  I listen to NPR until I can’t handle it, then I listen to pop music to sooth my soul.  I feel like I should be doing something, but I don’t hardly know what to do.

I am in love with a sandwich recipe. Here it is, basically (feel free to adjust, since I certainly change it on the regular):

-Cut up carrots (1.5 lb in theory), toss with olive oil, paprika (or pepper) and salt.  Roast at 450 for 40-50 minutes until charred & shriveled.
-Mash/mix the following into a spread: 15 oz cannellini beans (drained & rinsed), 4 oz mascarpone cheese (or goat cheese or cream cheese or…), 1 tsp fresh rosemary, juice of 1/2 lemon, 1 garlic clove, 1/2 tsp salt, 2 tbsp olive oil (the good tasting stuff).
-Put on bread, add sliced cucumber if desired.  Best if the carrots are warm, in my opinion.  They reheat well in a toaster oven (I don’t use microwaves, so I can give no recommendation there).

I have been making my own little sandwich rolls for it using my favorite no-knead bread recipe.  It’s so easy–I generally do a half recipe since I live alone.  It has great flavor, texture, the works. And it’s a mix it and leave it recipe, which is great for when you’re busy.

This recipe also isn’t what I meant to write about. But I just can’t seem to find the energy to talk about anything real lately.

le sigh

I do not like having feels.

That aside, I went to a naked lady spa today with a friend. It was actually quite fun.  I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about the nakedness (my own, not others), but it wasn’t an issue at all.  I’d totally go again.

Moving on.

I’m feeling awful about life in general. It’s hard to keep perspective.

feeling much more stable

I’ve mostly managed to pull myself out of the horribleness I found myself in this week.  Shutting things down really helped.  I also got to talk to my best friend this morning, which was fantastic.  She always is great about things, and objective, which I like.

I also started job hunting this last week and got an offer today.  (Last time I was job hunting, it also only took about a week.  I don’t want to admit the economy is better, but perhaps it is?)   I haven’t accepted yet, but I plan on doing so tomorrow.  It will come with a pay raise, which will really help my finances.  And, with any luck, it will keep me busy.

I had a date tonight with someone new–they had invited me to dinner at a vegan restaurant, and I wasn’t excited, to be honest.  I’m not against vegan food, but most restaurants try to incorporate too many fake substitutes–I prefer vegan food that is just entirely without and fakes.  Anyway, they canceled this morning, and I rejoiced.  It clearly seems that the universe is trying to make up for the abysmal week I’ve had thus far.

My tattoo is healing nicely.  Almost three weeks ago I got part two on my Harry Potter tattoo–it’s the Hogwarts crest, with an emphasis on my house (Ravenclaw).  After it’s all the way healed, I can get the final installment done, which will include a wee bit of color.  I’m pretty excited for that.

That’s about it for now.

feeling my introversion hardcore

I’m crawling back into myself, at least for a little while… I’ve put my facebook on deactivated (but only temporarily–I think it’s set to automatically reactivate in 7 days), my twitter and instagram are on private, my dating apps are deactivated (not deleted). I’ve cleared my entire phone log, as well as text messages, plus I logged out of skype.  I am doing my best to disappear online.

I am tired of people. I am also tired of putting my life on display (granted, I do that to myself, but opening yourself allows for others to feel as though they are allowed to criticize without invitation).  I am tired of being the one who reaches out, instead of the one that others reach to.  That being said, I’m going to try to stop reaching out.  I’m also going to try to not respond if someone does reach out to me, at least for a little while, at least until I feel better.

I spent years refusing to open up to anyone.  In my twenties, I learned that it’s better (in theory) to open up, to allow people to see who you really are.  But now, in my mid-thirties, I’m learning that I don’t think that’s true.  It’s better to remain closed and impersonal.  I’m tired of inviting people into my life, only to realize much later that it was a mistake.

I just need time to lick my wounds.