Interning it up

I’m taking a year long accounting certificate course at my local community college, and I’m required to do an internship. Luckily, I am able to do it at my current job. Unluckily, it means adding an extra 15 hours or so to my workweek without adding extra hours in the day. However, even though I’m definitely behind in my normal work and not on top of things like I prefer to be, I am learning a ton! And I’m really enjoying seeing the real-life applications of my accounting courses. I told my co-worker, who is my internship supervisor, that I never feel more like an intern than when he asks me to put a specific piece of paper in the printer. (ha) Still, I won’t be sad when this is over in 3.5 weeks.

Of course, then I’ll be in my last quarter of classes, full time again (on top of a full time job!), with one class meeting twice a week on campus after work. My other classes are all online, which is my preference. But twice a week, I will have to abandon my pup at work (I take him to work every day) and go to class from 5:30pm-7:40pm. Hopefully, my boss will be there most of the time and will keep him company. Otherwise, the kennel it will be.

I’m also applying for a leadership institute that my boss wanted me to do. She said I should be able to get in, as she has talked to the woman who coordinates it and our organization has never sent anyone before. But like I told my boss, I still have to put my best foot forward because I am not going to count any chickens before they hatch! I’m really hopeful for this experience because it will be a good thing for me personally and hopefully for my career, as well. It’s a year long program, and will overlap with my last quarter at school, but there is only four times a year you meet in person over two days. Plus work has to pay for it all, so this is nothing but good for me.

I am so lucky to have a boss who believes in me and wants to invest in me. Not every one gets these chances, and I wouldn’t be able to do them on my own. And so very hopefully, they will help me advance my career. I love my job, but I want to do more.

And at that, it’s time to start getting ready for work.

summer angst & other stories

I think that warm weather makes me angsty. It definitely makes me cranky.

Lately… I don’t know. I think I cause my own problems sometimes.  Today has been a doozy of a day.  (Yes, I just said “doozy.” I may be 35 physically, but I’m definitely a grandma on the inside.)

This morning, I checked my mail to find  notice from my doctor saying she is moving to a different clinic.  The doctor it took me over a year to find. The doctor that didn’t give me strange looks because I present butch, that was comfortable with talking about sex (and *gasp* lesbian sex, including toys), that made me feel like I could actually talk with her about health issues instead of feeling awkward and uncomfortable and wishing I were anywhere else.  Damn.

Then I got to work and realized I’d made a mistake that will cost my organization about $1,000.  Now, in the big scheme of things (our annual operating budget is about $18 million–or was it $8 million –either way, it’s a lot), it’s not a big deal, but losing money is the exact opposite goal of my job.  Anyway, my boss was great about it, so that’s nice, but I still feel like trash.

And then, to ruin my otherwise not great day even further, on the way home, I had a total jackass behind me.  White, middle aged male, in case you were wondering what type.  I was at a light, with a protected left turn, but the traffic turning was backed up into the intersection, so I didn’t go.  That’s when he started honking, gesturing at me, and flipping me off.  When the light turned yellow and I still didn’t go (with the cars ever present, blocking the other lanes of traffic), he got even angrier.  Then when the light turned green again, and it was clear, he laid on the horn and gave a long lasting blast as I went through the light in front of him.  He continued for quite some time, and since I was only going toward more non-moving traffic, I went about 5 miles an hour to get there (because I am a bit petty).  Anyway, he finally pulled over after passing me, which made me nervous because I was worried he would get back behind me to follow, but he did not.

But what the fuck?  What an asshole.

Regarding the woes I was having with my bestie, we have made up.  She apologized, and we’ve talked it out, and I feel good about that.  She is making a clear effort to make time for me, and that’s all I can ask for.  However, her birthday has passed, and I still don’t know what to get her.  Oi.

In non-angsty news (mostly), my sister’s birthday is next weekend.  I found a super cool Dr. Who themed steam punk style fascinator.  She’s a fan of both.  Of course I decided it needed a hat box.  Word to the wise: you can buy cute hat boxes at Daiso for $1.50.  Do not attempt to decorate your own that you got at Michael’s. It’s a fuck ton more work than you would imagine, not to mention the cost is greater.  Anyway, I got some cream colored canvas for the outside, plus used some great blue cheetah print fabric for the inside.  I need to hot glue on a nice ribbon for the hat box band, and I stenciled on a fantastic Victorian style “S” (for her name) that I also sprinkled with diamond dust glitter.  I should take pics when I’m all the way done because I think it’s turned out well.  However, next time, I swear, Daiso it is.  (I didn’t know until after I’d done most of the work.)

And now, I am sitting shirtless at my computer (damn weather), drinking a beer, and figuring out how to kill time until I head to my girlfriend’s for the weekend.  (I am waiting for traffic to die down.)

I hope you all are having a better day than me.  I also hope my weekend does not follow suit from today!

parental musings

My niece’s birthday is next month, and my brother texted to tell me his girlfriend will be there.  This will be her first time meeting the family (not counting his kids, of course).  He has not officially told my parents about her, but his kids have (naturally).  So when I was talking on the phone with my mom, I mentioned to her that she’ll get to meet the girlfriend soon.  The excitement in her voice was palpable.  And it erased any desire of mine to mention my own girlfriend, to suggest that perhaps she may be at the party, as well.

Because all I could think about is how my mom’s reaction to my own news would not be one of excitement, but, rather, the exact opposite.

And it brings to mind that there is still a part of me that feels if it were possible, I would wish to be straight.  I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but there it is.  If I were straight, my parents would not be in denial over who I am.  If I were straight, I wouldn’t have lost most of my friends when I came out.  If I were straight, I could live anywhere I liked in the U.S. without concern.  If I were straight… well, I wouldn’t be me.  But I would fit into other’s expectations for my life much better.

I am happy with who I am.  I love my girlfriend.  I love that I finally know what it’s like to be happy and comfortable with who I am.  But there is just the tiniest bit of internal homophobia that crops up at times, and I hate it.  I want to know how to cross over into being 100% happy that I’m gay.  But maybe there will always be that small part of me that is aware of how disappointed my parents are in me, that I will not be able to make them proud or happy.

I hope not.

Last Day of 2016

I can’t believe how time as flown.  I also can’t believe how little I’ve been blogging.  I just haven’t had the energy.  Or at least, that’s the excuse I’m going to use.

I’m not doing resolutions of any sort this year.  Overall, I’m pleased with the direction my life is going.  I’m pleased with the choices I’m making.  I don’t feel an overwhelming urge to change my life in a major way at this point.

I have a job I like. I have good friends who support me.  I have an active dating life (haha, maybe too active).  My family is getting used to the fact that I’m gay.  I’m eating okay, and although I need to get back on the exercise track and lose a bit of weight, that’s a lifelong struggle.

Today I’m making slow cooker butter chicken.  So far, it’s looking perfect.  I’m also making homemade no-knead bread (lazy me) for blackened carrot & cannellini bean sandwiches (which are way better than they sound).  I’m not going out tonight, so this is my way of celebrating.

I hope you all have a safe and fun New Years Eve.

bullet point updates

I’ve been going on dates, meeting women, making out, but not making connections.

I bought a bag of mixed nuts in shells, but I apparently don’t own a nutcracker.

I’m wandering, feeling lost.

The election has made me anxious, nauseous, most of the time. I don’t like to talk or think about it, but I can’t help doing both.

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life created more questions than it answered.

I wanted to make pumpkin custard pie, and then I realized that pumpkin pie is a custard.

I’m lonely, and it’s been a long time since I felt that way.

I want to know how to embrace who I am without letting others put limits on that.

I impulse bought peppermint frosted twinkies and snowballs today. They are delicious.

the other shoe

The other shoe finally dropped, but I’m not sure it dropped so much as I tossed it.

On Sunday, C invited me to her place for coffee.  We talked for hours.  But the more we talked, the more some of my concerns solidified in my mind.  Concerns that had already been playing at the edges of my mind, and now were brought to the forefront.

She doesn’t seem to understand that being queer is not the same as being straight.  Every way that she talked about relationships and dating and sex was so heteronormative.  Now, in her defense, she’s never dated a woman and has only dated men thus far.  But there was just a huge lack of knowledge of anything queer.  I mean, she didn’t even know what dysphoria was.

Anyway, I brought up all this to her the next day over text.  The long and short of it was that she doesn’t like to identify with labels.  I tried to explain how being queer isn’t a label so much as it’s a way of life, a community, an identity.  She acknowledged her implicit acceptance of the straight label, which annoyed me even more.

So that was basically the end of that.  Dinner was cancelled, and I haven’t talked to her since.

I’m okay with a lack of experience (in many ways, I feel like I have very little experience myself), but I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who wants nothing to do with being queer and who wants to model their relationship after het-relationships.  I’m not into mimicking a straight relationship.  Especially with her being femme and me presenting masculine–I am not going to be the “man” of the relationship.  I’m gay for a reason.

Straight friends don’t seem to understand this, though.  My queer friends do (they all say she sounds super straight).  It’s things like this that I don’t think I should bother bringing up to the straight friends.  I hate having to defend to them what my other friends both understand and think is reasonable.

Le sigh.

But I already have two dates lined up, so you know I’m doing just fine.

questions of faith

One of my coworkers took me out to lunch last week as a goodbye.  Despite being a very serious Christian (he’s leaving to Papua New Guinea to be a missionary in about a year), he was one of my favourite coworkers.  He never made me feel like I was wrong for being who I am, and in fact, never expressed an opinion about it at all, other than live and let live (which is his life motto, essentially).

We had a conversation about faith–he was very interested, since from things I had said, he knew I’d been to both bible college and seminary, not to mention he had seen my Christian tattoo on my forearm.  It was a good talk, actually.  But it did lead me to say what I’ve thought for some time now: that I didn’t leave my faith so much as was kicked out.  I was never welcome, for a progressive list of reasons–being a woman, being a feminist, being single, being gay (although, being gay makes being single better, so they can pretend I’m not having gay sex).

But as much as I tried to be part of the church, I couldn’t find my place.  And nothing about me fit in.  I tried, I tried so hard.  I eventually gave up.  I mean, why be part of a religion that doesn’t even want you?

To be honest, that’s as much as I have given thought to questions of faith.  Someday, I need to give it more, really think about where I sit, other than on the outside.