Big Updates

It seems that a lot has gone on in the past almost two months.

First off the bat, I got engaged!  We’re getting married in October, and things are already lining up well, so that is a relief!  We’re definitely planning a very low-key wedding, so that is helpful. But other than doing the planning we have to do right now, we’re putting it off, because…

We’re trying to buy a house.  The one big hitch (other than having not enough/barely enough money for the up-front costs) is that T still owns her house with her ex. ugh.  Her ex  finally did agree to buy her out, at less than half the equity, after futzing around for two months, but now her ex is going to require her to be out by the end of March.  We were hoping she could stay until at least April because we can’t get going on our house stuff until we have cash in hand from the house.  Of course the market is so expensive that it will still be quite hard to afford anything.  It’s incredibly frustrating.

The other option was to sell the house, but her ex refused to do that unless everyone was out of it, and since T actually lives there, plus has pets, that was unrealistic.  Plus we knew she would drag it out as long as possible, and we want to start our life without her.

I’m going to tell you, it’s a lot of big stuff all at the same time.  (T also started a new job this month.)  We have talked about just renting for a year, but we have four pets between the two of us, and we’d end up paying just as much as, if not more than, a mortgage.  We’re also worried we’ll get priced out of the market if we wait because we’re barely able to be in the market now, and prices will only continue to go up.  Renting isn’t completely off the table, though.  It’s just not our first hope.

I’m going to try to blog on a more regular basis.  I’ll try to give you updates on the house and the wedding.

Hope your Monday treats you well!

Happy Thanksgiving?

I know it’s been forever since I blogged.  Not for lack of intention, but somehow I just haven’t made the time.  I think a lot of it is that I spend all day on my computer at work, so when I get home, I don’t want to spend more time on it…

Overall, things have been great.  There are a few hiccups at work, but nothing big or worth mentioning at this point.  So I’ll get to the point of today and leave the last few months in the past.

Today I had Thanksgiving with my girlfriend’s family.  Tomorrow we will do the same with my family.

But today left me feeling horrible.  Growing up, my family had a bad relationship with my dad’s family, in particular his mom, but also his sisters tended to follow suit.  They did not like my mom (and so by extension us kids), and it wasn’t a secret.  I grew to hate holidays, and when we were finally uninvited from family events, I was relieved.  I’ve always sworn I would never be with someone if we can’t get along with each other’s families.

So, my girlfriend’s mom is a mean bitch.  The problem is that she is a mean bitch to everyone who is not her family.  But my fucking god, it reminded me of everything I felt growing up at family holidays.  And now I have to figure out a way to talk to my girlfriend about it.  Somehow I have to be able to talk about it objectively, even though nothing I feel about it is objective at all.

At least tomorrow should be good.  My immediate family has a pretty good time together over all.  My brother will be there with the kids, as well.

Big sighs and deep breaths.

past due parental meet up post

I never did get around to telling you about how it went when T met the parents.  I mean, I think I mentioned it briefly…

The first meeting was at my niece’s birthday party in June, as planned.  It was pretty chill; the parents were friendly.  There was no weirdness or angst.  I did find out after that my mom was upset that she was the last to know (my siblings knew first), but I told her there were pics of us on facebook, so if she ever logged in…  Anyway.  It was weird to have her upset that I hadn’t told her.  Encouraging almost.

Since then, there have been many opportunities to interact.  We went to a little shopping nook with my parents and sister and had lunch.  We did a day trip for my birthday.  There was another niece’s birthday.  My parents moved last month, so we’ve helped a few (3 or 4) times with that.  We’ve been out for my sister’s birthday.  They’ve been so friendly and open.  I’m sure they’d still rather I was not gay, but I’m so pleased they are being nice.  Mom even gives T hugs.

Honestly, I could have never expected this.  Granted, the level of excitement my mom feels for my brother’s girlfriend definitely eclipses how she feels about my own; however, that is to be expected.  (Although, I would like to point out that my brother’s girlfriend has not helped with the move even once. I’ve got that beat.  But I think T and I both feel like we need to go above and beyond to win the parents over.  Plus, I owe it to my folks. They’ve helped me out so much over the years.)

It’s good.  It’s weird and unexpected, but it’s good.  Maybe in time, they will see it as a good thing, as well.

Friends and girlfriends

This week has been an emotional roller coaster, but without any of the ups.

I don’t know what to do about the friend situation I’m in.  There have been a series of slow texts between the two of us.  I’m not sure if I want to try to repair or if I just want to let it remain broken.  I unfriended her (and her husband) on facebook a couple days ago.  That was only because I truly felt (feel?) there is nothing left to what we had and no point in keeping anything.  With that, I couldn’t handle seeing her on social media.

And I am a purger.  I often purge too early or too thoroughly, but sometimes it’s what I need.  But if we try to repair, I don’t know how feasible it would be.  The hurt on both sides–the hurt I’ve felt and didn’t communicate until too late and the hurt I’ve committed toward her during the blow out–it’s nothing to be forgotten easily.

In other news, my girlfriend showed up unexpectedly last night at 4am.  With alcohol on her breath.  She is currently sleeping, but I can guarantee there will be a conversation about this once she’s up.  I’m not pleased.  One, I’m certain she was driving with too much alcohol in her system.  Two, I do not like being woken up in the middle of the night (and so close to my normal waking time that I was unable to go back to sleep).  Three, I have a plan for my night/day that I do not like to have hijacked.  I can forgive a one time dalliance, but if this is a thing that happens more, then that is something I will not be able to handle.  Making bad life choices is one thing, but making bad life choices and involving me is quite another.

I don’t like excessive drinking. I don’t like unsafe choices.  I am 100% not okay with driving under the influence.  I am not okay with someone not respecting my personal space.  While I am certain that sober she would not have made that choice, that is exactly the problem.  I don’t want to date someone who is going to make those kind of choices and then involve me in them.  I have a feeling she will feel bad when she wakes up, but I want to be with someone who will not make the kind of choices she has to feel bad about when she wakes up.  Anyway, I’m hoping this is a one-off and we can move on.

What a mess.

July already?!

Somehow it has been over a month since I last posted.  To be fair, June was a really busy month for me (and generally is): my dad’s birthday, Father’s Day, my niece’s birthday, my birthday, Pride…

I’m 35 now.  That’s a weird feeling.  Halfway through my 30’s.  I don’t mind aging–I still consider myself young.  But I’m also aware of reality.  I want to be able to buy a house before I’m 40, and that is looking like it will be a struggle.  I would also like to have the mortgage paid off before ‘retirement.’  (I don’t know that I’ll ever truly retire–I doubt I’d be able to afford it.)  But I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get these things done.  I’m still paying off my student loan (set to have it paid in full this December if all goes well), so I can’t even start saving for a down payment until then.  6.8% interest is no joke (thanks, government).

In more immediate news, yesterday my water heater started leaking.  It’s going pretty well, actually.  I woke up this early am to the sound of water splashing over the sides of the pot I put under the leak.  Anyway, my apartment manager refused to do anything about it yesterday and will not tell me if it will be taken care of today, so… I’m pissed, as you can imagine–he just wanted me to turn the water off and use a vacant apartment that he left unlocked and that at least one other person is currently using (no thank you).  Thank goodness I have a little carpet extractor (attached to my carpet stain cleaner).  I was able to get up most of the water from the carpet that had soaked in before I found the leak.  I’ve had a fan on it since yesterday, so now it’s mostly dry.  But what about most people who do not have these things or would not care to do them?  Damn apartment living.

T and I are still going strong.  We’ve both been a little grouchy lately, which is annoying, but which is also life.  It’ll be six months this month.

That’s all to report for now.  I hope you all are doing well. 🙂  Remind me to tell you next time how it went for T to meet the parents (spoiler: way the fuck better than I could have imagined).

parental musings

My niece’s birthday is next month, and my brother texted to tell me his girlfriend will be there.  This will be her first time meeting the family (not counting his kids, of course).  He has not officially told my parents about her, but his kids have (naturally).  So when I was talking on the phone with my mom, I mentioned to her that she’ll get to meet the girlfriend soon.  The excitement in her voice was palpable.  And it erased any desire of mine to mention my own girlfriend, to suggest that perhaps she may be at the party, as well.

Because all I could think about is how my mom’s reaction to my own news would not be one of excitement, but, rather, the exact opposite.

And it brings to mind that there is still a part of me that feels if it were possible, I would wish to be straight.  I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but there it is.  If I were straight, my parents would not be in denial over who I am.  If I were straight, I wouldn’t have lost most of my friends when I came out.  If I were straight, I could live anywhere I liked in the U.S. without concern.  If I were straight… well, I wouldn’t be me.  But I would fit into other’s expectations for my life much better.

I am happy with who I am.  I love my girlfriend.  I love that I finally know what it’s like to be happy and comfortable with who I am.  But there is just the tiniest bit of internal homophobia that crops up at times, and I hate it.  I want to know how to cross over into being 100% happy that I’m gay.  But maybe there will always be that small part of me that is aware of how disappointed my parents are in me, that I will not be able to make them proud or happy.

I hope not.

A general round-up of life

T and I went to the coast last weekend, and it was delightful.  We had such a good time.  The only conflict we had, if you could call it that, was my desire to get out of bed at the crack of dawn and begin foraging for food, whereas T would prefer to sleep in.  We mostly made it work, both of us slightly disappointed with the compromise, which is how I think it works?  ha  Apparently I can’t ditch her on our first getaway together.  Maybe on the next she’ll let me.

T finally told me she loved me, before our vacation. I was determined to make her say it first, and to that end, I was not helpful in giving her encouragement (haha).  I think the best part is that I knew she wanted to say it, then she chickened out, so I woke up to a text telling me she loved me, apologizing for saying it over text, and promising to say it properly when we were next together.  I didn’t mind–and now I have a funny story to tell.  But I was kind in return and told her I loved her, too, instead of making her wait until we were in person, like I sort of wanted to do (but decided would be too mean).

In other news: I found a doctor I like!  She was amazing!  I saw her last week for an annual physical, and when I brought up sex (lesbian sex, no less), she did not look awkward or get tongue tied (unlike every other stupid doctor).  She even asked if we used toys as if it were a normal thing to ask about (which it should be and which was appropriate in the context of our conversation–this was not a gawker type question).  I’m so glad.  I really felt comfortable with her and was finally able to ask about a few things I’d been concerned about.

I’ve also been on weight watchers for about five weeks now and am steadily losing weight.  I don’t have a ton to lose–I just want my clothes to fit loosely again.  I let myself gain about 30 pounds and my clothes were all fitting snugly, which is the worst.  So I’ve lost about 10 pounds so far, and we’ll see after another 10 how I feel.  I have no qualms about my body in particular, but I don’t want to have to purchase a new wardrobe.

And, perhaps antithetically to my weight loss goals, I made 4 mini cheesecakes (about 3-4″ diameter?) the last two days.  Three I made yesterday for mother’s day this weekend (going to the parents’ house with my siblings and nieces): they are vanilla with peanut butter swirl, chocolate with vanilla swirl, and chocolate with peanut butter swirl.  Then I made one more cheesecake tonight to share with T this weekend.  It is layered with apple pie filling (but the apples are diced).  I love baking.

I also finally purchased a few sets of mini baking pans (they are adorable). My mom bought me a Small Batch Baking cookbook awhile ago, but without mini pans (I had the spring forms already), I hadn’t really utilized it.  But now I can, which is great, because I do not need to make whole cakes or other desserts.  And it’s easier to have recipes cut down to size ahead of time.

Anyway, that’s about it.  I mean to blog more often than I do, but I always come up with good things to write when I can’t.  I’ll try to do better.

my girl

Things are still going well with T.  I don’t get to see her as much as I would like, but that is life, apparently.

I do have regular moments where it hits me, all of a sudden, that I have a girlfriend.  That I’m not technically single.  That I’m in a relationship with another person.  It’s weird.  Weird, but nice.

I also have the considerations that maybe I’d rather be single, that it’s so much easier to be alone.  These thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with T, they are just objective thoughts.  T is the reason I have not decided to follow through–so far, I prefer a relationship with her to not having one with her.

I’ve met some of her family.  That was pretty stressful, but I think it went well.  They seemed to like me.

And we may be going on a short vacation to Chicago next month–that’s where she grew up.  It’s also weird to think about going on vacation with someone.  I have a lot of anxiety about the idea, but I also think it will be a good thing, if it works out.  The anxiety is more related to the idea of taking a trip somewhere than the fact I’d be going with T.  I’m not used to taking trips.

Well, that’s about it for now.

Mmm, popcorn.

My girl sent me a box of fancy popcorn. 

 She knows how much I like popcorn, and she is clearly too nice to me. 

In other news, I’ve gained some weight over the last year or so. I’m trying to get serious about losing it, mostly because it’s harder to hide my female shape when I’ve gained weight. Plus my clothes are starting to get tight. 

But you know what is horrible? Not being able to eat any and all the food I want. Alas. 🙂

Sexual Failure, Esquire.

I just found this draft in my posts.  I mean, there was no post written, just the title.  But the title is epic, so I’m keeping it, even though it’s entirely inaccurate.  And has nothing to do with anything I’m going to write about.

I’m learning how to do dental billing at work.  I’m also looking forward to learning how to do insurance billing.  I like learning new things, and I like the specificity of this type of billing.

Things are still going well with T.  Too well, perhaps.  Can something that goes so smoothly last?  Also, there’s so much physical chemistry that I worry we’ll decide there’s nothing there but sex.  However, we spend a fair amount of time just talking and doing other things together, so I think that is a false fear.  I’m obviously just worried about things in general because it’s new and going well and I like her.

Okay, it’s bedtime. I’ve had too many late nights, and daylight savings did not help.