brave ‘like a man’

Obviously, Thursday left me with a lot of feels. On Friday, however, I met with my CEO to discuss a “Take it Back Project” I have to do for a leadership program I’m in this year.

We discussed my idea for my project and the conversation naturally flowed to the changes at work and with management. In total, the conversation was around an hour and a half, so this was no quick chat. We have a lot of unknowns at the moment, so I decided to tell him my ‘ideal daydream’ for how I’d love my office to look.

I told him that I’d like to become the Office Manager (we do not presently have this role), and that our accounting assistant would then learn and take over several of my current duties. We’d have to hire a clerk part time to make this work. But then, I would have time for my new duties that I’m taking over, plus the projects that I really want to do (as that is what truly excites me – new challenges and projects). He actually really liked the idea and was in full support. He wants me to present the idea to our new CFO to see if the CFO would support it.

My CEO does believe that it will go over well. The CFO (who, if you recall, we are contracting with from another facility) is somewhat concerned, apparently, about having the time to support us like we need (we are such a skeleton crew). So my CEO believes this would alleviate the concern and prove we can be self-sufficient for the daily running of the business office. (We would then use the CFO when needed for consulting or for the things you need the ‘big dog’ to do – like lay the smack down.)

I talked to my coworker about this after my meeting. He was also in full support (although he did tease me later about my ‘power grab’). He’s been there about 23 years, so I figured he would know if it seemed like a good idea and if it would work. I haven’t talked with our accounting assistant yet, but I will do so if the CFO approves my idea.

I have never really approached someone before and said “I would like to do this thing.” This thing being create a position for myself that it is exactly what I would like to do instead of what I am currently doing. But I know it is also a thing many men would do without question. And why let my gender hold me back? This is a great opportunity, as we are in a state of flux, to make my move and get a better position. Plus, you lose every chance you do not take.

Now I have to figure out how to present this the best way and come up with a rough idea of what I will say. I do not know our CFO hardly at all, so it is not the same as approaching the CEO, who I have worked with for years.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

second date update

I snuck out of a second date tonight.  Like a complete ass.

I had a pretty good first date with her last weekend, but I was unsure of a few things.  However, still willing to go on a second, because that’s how you find out, right?  She feels similarly about gender (although is self-described gender-fluid, which is different).  But there were all these things… some shallow, maybe most shallow, it’s hard to say.

Her hair did nothing for me.  (I am a sucker for good hair.)  She was a giggler.  Wtf.  I laugh, all the time. But I laugh.  I am not into giggles.  The occasional chuckle, sure.  Giggles?  What are we?  Fifteen year old girls?!  It’s so unattractive.

And then for the real kicker. She kept telling me how excited she was to see me, how she had a good feeling about me, how she liked all these things about me.  (What things? We went on one date.)  And that made me so incredibly anxious.  It sets up expectations that I know I can’t meet (nor do I want to).  Sure, be excited, but keep it to yourself. I don’t want to know it.

So here we are on this date. We had a casual dinner, then were going to watch Fantastic Beasts.  I’m freezing cold because I got cold at dinner and couldn’t warm up again (my life story).  The movie was not exciting me.  And I felt dread and anxiety about the person sitting next to me, giggling.  So I got up to use the bathroom and ran out to my car where I texted that I left because I wasn’t into the movie, was anxious, and was an ass.  She wrote back to say she hoped we could try again.  Um. No?

I need to be with someone that I’m into and that doesn’t fill me with anxiety.  And maybe that person doesn’t exist–which is cool so long as I get some action here and there.  And even if not, I’m pretty good with being by myself, to be honest.

Ugh.

androgyny

I went out on like three dates last week.  It was too many.  One was a butch, with whom I had nothing in common.  She was hot, but our lives were too opposite.  Another was a librarian, but she had nothing interesting to say (or maybe I didn’t). Regardless, we couldn’t find any points of connection.  The last was a femme who doesn’t believe bisexuals exist and that trans or gender non-conforming people insisting on their correct/chosen pronouns is annoying.  (I do not have time for that kind of shit. It’s 2016. And shouldn’t we LGBTQ+ folk be interested in the welfare of the whole group, not just the L or G??)

Speaking of femmes, speaking of beating a dead horse, I have tried and tried. I just can’t get into them.  I’ve done my best.  I’m giving up.

I don’t think it’s being a femme that inherently turns me off. I think it’s their perspective on gender (to be fair, not all of them will feel this way).  I finally am starting to figure something out.  I don’t want to be made to feel gender.  The femmes I’ve gone out with have all wanted me to be the masculine butch. But I don’t want to be that.  I think I fall more into the androgynous butch category (is this a category? If not, I’m making it one right now).  I dress butch, but I feel androgynous.  I don’t want to feel like a woman and I don’t want to feel like a man.  I want to feel like a nothing.

I still feel most comfortable with she/her pronouns, although I suppose that could change.  But even if it doesn’t, I’m allowed to feel like neither and use female pronouns, right?

So that to say, when I’m with other androgynous or butch women, they never make me feel gender.  They just feel like me, which is a good feeling.  In retrospect, the ones I’ve felt the most connection with have had similar feelings about their gender.

So now I’m learning to express this, learning that it’s important.  And I’m learning what it means for me.

good times are suspicious times

I’ve found that since starting to dress how I like and look how I feel comfortable looking, if I wear anything that looks distinctly feminine, I feel all sorts of anxiety.  I’m not sure if this is something that will last or if it’s because I’m still in the new-ish stages of expressing my identity (with the idea that in the beginning, you hold much tighter to the identity than once it’s become comfortable/old).  Either way, in the meantime, I really only have a few items left that could be considered specifically feminine.  I don’t want to put myself into a rigid box, but I also want to feel good about how I look.  It’s a confusing line to walk.

I had my third date yesterday with C.  I’m making dinner for her next week.  It’s going very well, so naturally I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m too sleepy to write more.

phew, Friday

My tattoo is done!  I don’t want to post a picture until it’s more healed. It’s not the best looking at the moment, since it’s so fresh.  It’s beautiful and wonderful, and I’m so pleased with the artwork.  The eagle is blue, which I need to get used to.  It’s the first color ink I’ve had done, and it’s just so weird to see such a bright color on my skin.  Don’t get me wrong, I like it.  It’s just different.

It’s Friday and the end of week three at my new job.  Still going well.  I definitely made the right decision.  My last job was just not a good fit–never was, probably never would have been.  This is a much better fit.

I have a post brewing about my feelings regarding my personal gender presentation, so I’ll try to get that written soon.  But now, I have to put on clothes and get to work.

TGIF.