Friends and girlfriends

This week has been an emotional roller coaster, but without any of the ups.

I don’t know what to do about the friend situation I’m in.  There have been a series of slow texts between the two of us.  I’m not sure if I want to try to repair or if I just want to let it remain broken.  I unfriended her (and her husband) on facebook a couple days ago.  That was only because I truly felt (feel?) there is nothing left to what we had and no point in keeping anything.  With that, I couldn’t handle seeing her on social media.

And I am a purger.  I often purge too early or too thoroughly, but sometimes it’s what I need.  But if we try to repair, I don’t know how feasible it would be.  The hurt on both sides–the hurt I’ve felt and didn’t communicate until too late and the hurt I’ve committed toward her during the blow out–it’s nothing to be forgotten easily.

In other news, my girlfriend showed up unexpectedly last night at 4am.  With alcohol on her breath.  She is currently sleeping, but I can guarantee there will be a conversation about this once she’s up.  I’m not pleased.  One, I’m certain she was driving with too much alcohol in her system.  Two, I do not like being woken up in the middle of the night (and so close to my normal waking time that I was unable to go back to sleep).  Three, I have a plan for my night/day that I do not like to have hijacked.  I can forgive a one time dalliance, but if this is a thing that happens more, then that is something I will not be able to handle.  Making bad life choices is one thing, but making bad life choices and involving me is quite another.

I don’t like excessive drinking. I don’t like unsafe choices.  I am 100% not okay with driving under the influence.  I am not okay with someone not respecting my personal space.  While I am certain that sober she would not have made that choice, that is exactly the problem.  I don’t want to date someone who is going to make those kind of choices and then involve me in them.  I have a feeling she will feel bad when she wakes up, but I want to be with someone who will not make the kind of choices she has to feel bad about when she wakes up.  Anyway, I’m hoping this is a one-off and we can move on.

What a mess.

emo post

A quick edit to my last post.  T and I have been officially dating five months, not six.  I am rubbish at math.

---

I hate change. I hate becoming irrelevant and unnecessary and unwanted.  It takes me a long time to truly let someone in my life, but when I do, I do come to rely on them in a way that I’m never quite comfortable with.  So when that relationship ends (specifically friendship in this instance), it first takes me a long time to realize it, then to accept it, then to be willing to let anyone else in again.

I have had a long-distance friend for most of my adult life, and it seems like we have finally grown apart.  Or, more accurately, she has grown apart from me.  Her life is busy and full, and while I would say mine is as well, hers is in a way that does not necessitate my presence in her life any longer.  I am happy that she has good friends nearby, a husband she loves, a job she likes.  But I am sad that it means I have been pushed out and made obsolete.

I have seen it coming for months, but have desperately tried to ignore and deny it.  The problem is, I can’t anymore.  I’m not capable of being the one friend who makes time and space and makes the other a priority when it is so painfully clear that I am not one in return.  I can’t be a leftover friend to someone that I view as a best friend.  Maybe this is selfish of me, but I get to choose that part.

So now I’m going to spend the rest of the evening feel sad and sorry for myself.  I’ll pick myself up in the morning and remind myself that I am an independent person who is self-sufficient and needs no one, but I’ll wallow a bit tonight.

a cat is purring next to me. this is bliss.

I kind of hate that any time past 8pm feels late. But there it is.

I’m not going to the Women’s March this weekend. Maybe I should, but…  here’s the thing.  I don’t really have many friends in the area (i.e. people I know to march with), I’m not a big fan of crowds, and I live in a very blue area of my state.  So… I’m super happy that this thing is happening. I’m excited that thousands upon thousands will be marching.  However, I think I will end up visiting my brother and nieces instead.

More and more, I am realizing that I need a group, people, a crew, a core.  It’s lonely being by myself, and I am not even talking in a romantic sense (that part is not lonely–I still maintain that the main driving force behind wanting to find a LTR is financial stability).  My friends are few and far between and all very busy with their own lives.

I went to a party yesterday at one of my newer friends’ houses (who is also my barber).  And it was a party of queers–all kinds, and I remembered again how comfortable I feel in those situations, how much I feel like they are my people and the people I need.  I need to focus on getting more queer friends, on establishing a friend group here, one that has space for me and a desire to include me in their lives.

After our fifth date, I decided I didn’t want to see that woman I mentioned anymore, and so I texted her my reasons, and she concurred.  And all I could think was that I was the more forthright of the two of us, since I was reading her hesitations to her and telling her the situation wasn’t going to work for me, despite the fact that it was only that way because it wasn’t working for her.  How frustrating that people, adults, can’t seem to speak up or acknowledge what it is they are truly looking for.  Learn who you are, embrace it, acknowledge it, give yourself space to breath and grow.

I am going to bed. It is late, and I am tired.

weekend plans

My weekend is going to be busy, but hopefully good.

Tomorrow I am spending the day in the city with a friend I haven’t seen in awhile.  She has had a hard time knowing how to be my friend since I came out, but in the way that she tries too hard.  The last time we had a good talk on the phone, she asked if she was awkward, which went a long way with me for knowing things will be okay with her (eventually).  She just needs to realize that there is nothing different. (Except for everything.)

After that, I am going to an art show with someone I have been maybe seeing.

Then on Sunday, I am going to a Polka Dot Party at my barber’s house (also my friend).  I’m nervous because I will know no one, but I don’t plan on being there very long, so that will help.

This evening, in preparation for my busy/anxious weekend, I cleaned.  I scrubbed my shower/tub from top to bottom, not to mention the rest of the bathroom.  I spot cleaned the carpet where one of the cats puked recently (damn puke is so hard to clean without the machine).  I did all my dishes. I put away papers.  I’m doing a load of laundry.

Of course, I am due to start my period at any time (probably tomorrow), because life.  Thank goodness for my ladycup.

In other news, you can both download Stone Butch Blues for free on Leslie Feinberg’s site, or you can purchase an on-demand copy from LuLu.com (link on the same site).  Since it’s out of print and impossible to find used, I just ordered a copy from LuLu.com. I can’t wait to own it!

lots going on lately

I’ve successfully accomplished two weeks of work at my new job.  So far, so good.  I’m enjoying what I’m learning and the tasks.  It does bring to mind the question of if I should start the python course in January.  I have until December to decide.  Here are my quick thoughts about it: I have found myself on a career path for finance, and the jobs I’ve had so far are preparing me for a good job someday in a non-profit context (which is what I want). However, will finance be interesting long term?  If I take the python course, I will want to use it–it’s $1000/quarter and three quarters long.  I’m not so flush that I want to spend $3000 on something I’m not certain I will use.  That’s a lot of money.  It could go to my student loan.  But what if I take it and don’t use it or can’t get a job–it is a very competitive field, after all.  Ugh.

The last date I mentioned — the thai dinner person — we never ended up going bouldering. But she was recently separated from a long term relationship, so she wasn’t exactly ready for a relationship anyway.  Or anything, in my opinion.

Since then, I’ve gone on a couple dates with another person. She thinks vulnerability is a good thing.  At the end of our second date, she laid all her cards on the table. I was in shock, to be honest. Not at what she said–nothing shocking about that–but that she was willing to be so open. It has been my experience that I’ve had to put my cards on the table first, with generally a lack of cards in return. (That has not always been the case, of course.)

She’s femme, but not like super femme or anything.  Just… femme-ish.  I have all sorts of fears about dating a femme presenting woman, so I’m going to have to work through those myself.  My big fear is them wanting me to be part of a fake heteronormative relationship because I present butch.  But that is an unfair fear, I think.  She has given me no indication that she is looking for that, and while it is something I should bring up eventually for my own piece of mind if we keep going on dates, I can just continue forward and see how things go…  Right?

Today starts the first of three evenings out in a row.  Tonight I am seeing a movie at a queer film festival with a friend. Tomorrow I am going to dinner and a concert with a friend of a friend who recently moved to the area.  The next night I am getting my tattoo finished.  Phew.

feeling my introversion hardcore

I’m crawling back into myself, at least for a little while… I’ve put my facebook on deactivated (but only temporarily–I think it’s set to automatically reactivate in 7 days), my twitter and instagram are on private, my dating apps are deactivated (not deleted). I’ve cleared my entire phone log, as well as text messages, plus I logged out of skype.  I am doing my best to disappear online.

I am tired of people. I am also tired of putting my life on display (granted, I do that to myself, but opening yourself allows for others to feel as though they are allowed to criticize without invitation).  I am tired of being the one who reaches out, instead of the one that others reach to.  That being said, I’m going to try to stop reaching out.  I’m also going to try to not respond if someone does reach out to me, at least for a little while, at least until I feel better.

I spent years refusing to open up to anyone.  In my twenties, I learned that it’s better (in theory) to open up, to allow people to see who you really are.  But now, in my mid-thirties, I’m learning that I don’t think that’s true.  It’s better to remain closed and impersonal.  I’m tired of inviting people into my life, only to realize much later that it was a mistake.

I just need time to lick my wounds.