weekend plans

My weekend is going to be busy, but hopefully good.

Tomorrow I am spending the day in the city with a friend I haven’t seen in awhile.  She has had a hard time knowing how to be my friend since I came out, but in the way that she tries too hard.  The last time we had a good talk on the phone, she asked if she was awkward, which went a long way with me for knowing things will be okay with her (eventually).  She just needs to realize that there is nothing different. (Except for everything.)

After that, I am going to an art show with someone I have been maybe seeing.

Then on Sunday, I am going to a Polka Dot Party at my barber’s house (also my friend).  I’m nervous because I will know no one, but I don’t plan on being there very long, so that will help.

This evening, in preparation for my busy/anxious weekend, I cleaned.  I scrubbed my shower/tub from top to bottom, not to mention the rest of the bathroom.  I spot cleaned the carpet where one of the cats puked recently (damn puke is so hard to clean without the machine).  I did all my dishes. I put away papers.  I’m doing a load of laundry.

Of course, I am due to start my period at any time (probably tomorrow), because life.  Thank goodness for my ladycup.

In other news, you can both download Stone Butch Blues for free on Leslie Feinberg’s site, or you can purchase an on-demand copy from LuLu.com (link on the same site).  Since it’s out of print and impossible to find used, I just ordered a copy from LuLu.com. I can’t wait to own it!

second date update

I snuck out of a second date tonight.  Like a complete ass.

I had a pretty good first date with her last weekend, but I was unsure of a few things.  However, still willing to go on a second, because that’s how you find out, right?  She feels similarly about gender (although is self-described gender-fluid, which is different).  But there were all these things… some shallow, maybe most shallow, it’s hard to say.

Her hair did nothing for me.  (I am a sucker for good hair.)  She was a giggler.  Wtf.  I laugh, all the time. But I laugh.  I am not into giggles.  The occasional chuckle, sure.  Giggles?  What are we?  Fifteen year old girls?!  It’s so unattractive.

And then for the real kicker. She kept telling me how excited she was to see me, how she had a good feeling about me, how she liked all these things about me.  (What things? We went on one date.)  And that made me so incredibly anxious.  It sets up expectations that I know I can’t meet (nor do I want to).  Sure, be excited, but keep it to yourself. I don’t want to know it.

So here we are on this date. We had a casual dinner, then were going to watch Fantastic Beasts.  I’m freezing cold because I got cold at dinner and couldn’t warm up again (my life story).  The movie was not exciting me.  And I felt dread and anxiety about the person sitting next to me, giggling.  So I got up to use the bathroom and ran out to my car where I texted that I left because I wasn’t into the movie, was anxious, and was an ass.  She wrote back to say she hoped we could try again.  Um. No?

I need to be with someone that I’m into and that doesn’t fill me with anxiety.  And maybe that person doesn’t exist–which is cool so long as I get some action here and there.  And even if not, I’m pretty good with being by myself, to be honest.

Ugh.

bullet point updates

I’ve been going on dates, meeting women, making out, but not making connections.

I bought a bag of mixed nuts in shells, but I apparently don’t own a nutcracker.

I’m wandering, feeling lost.

The election has made me anxious, nauseous, most of the time. I don’t like to talk or think about it, but I can’t help doing both.

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life created more questions than it answered.

I wanted to make pumpkin custard pie, and then I realized that pumpkin pie is a custard.

I’m lonely, and it’s been a long time since I felt that way.

I want to know how to embrace who I am without letting others put limits on that.

I impulse bought peppermint frosted twinkies and snowballs today. They are delicious.

good times are suspicious times

I’ve found that since starting to dress how I like and look how I feel comfortable looking, if I wear anything that looks distinctly feminine, I feel all sorts of anxiety.  I’m not sure if this is something that will last or if it’s because I’m still in the new-ish stages of expressing my identity (with the idea that in the beginning, you hold much tighter to the identity than once it’s become comfortable/old).  Either way, in the meantime, I really only have a few items left that could be considered specifically feminine.  I don’t want to put myself into a rigid box, but I also want to feel good about how I look.  It’s a confusing line to walk.

I had my third date yesterday with C.  I’m making dinner for her next week.  It’s going very well, so naturally I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m too sleepy to write more.

lots going on lately

I’ve successfully accomplished two weeks of work at my new job.  So far, so good.  I’m enjoying what I’m learning and the tasks.  It does bring to mind the question of if I should start the python course in January.  I have until December to decide.  Here are my quick thoughts about it: I have found myself on a career path for finance, and the jobs I’ve had so far are preparing me for a good job someday in a non-profit context (which is what I want). However, will finance be interesting long term?  If I take the python course, I will want to use it–it’s $1000/quarter and three quarters long.  I’m not so flush that I want to spend $3000 on something I’m not certain I will use.  That’s a lot of money.  It could go to my student loan.  But what if I take it and don’t use it or can’t get a job–it is a very competitive field, after all.  Ugh.

The last date I mentioned — the thai dinner person — we never ended up going bouldering. But she was recently separated from a long term relationship, so she wasn’t exactly ready for a relationship anyway.  Or anything, in my opinion.

Since then, I’ve gone on a couple dates with another person. She thinks vulnerability is a good thing.  At the end of our second date, she laid all her cards on the table. I was in shock, to be honest. Not at what she said–nothing shocking about that–but that she was willing to be so open. It has been my experience that I’ve had to put my cards on the table first, with generally a lack of cards in return. (That has not always been the case, of course.)

She’s femme, but not like super femme or anything.  Just… femme-ish.  I have all sorts of fears about dating a femme presenting woman, so I’m going to have to work through those myself.  My big fear is them wanting me to be part of a fake heteronormative relationship because I present butch.  But that is an unfair fear, I think.  She has given me no indication that she is looking for that, and while it is something I should bring up eventually for my own piece of mind if we keep going on dates, I can just continue forward and see how things go…  Right?

Today starts the first of three evenings out in a row.  Tonight I am seeing a movie at a queer film festival with a friend. Tomorrow I am going to dinner and a concert with a friend of a friend who recently moved to the area.  The next night I am getting my tattoo finished.  Phew.

that’s life

Last week’s canceled date finally happened last night.  We went for Thai and hot chocolate and it was delightful.  We’re going bouldering this Saturday.  So we’ll see if it goes anywhere or not.

I start my new job on September 30th.  My bosses told the company today that I was leaving (there’s only 12 of us).  People seemed genuinely surprised, which was surprising to me.  I have made no secret of my boredom and lack of satisfaction.

Netflix sent me an email to let me know that Season 5 of New Girl was up.  So, you know, you know that’s what I’ll be doing.

feeling much more stable

I’ve mostly managed to pull myself out of the horribleness I found myself in this week.  Shutting things down really helped.  I also got to talk to my best friend this morning, which was fantastic.  She always is great about things, and objective, which I like.

I also started job hunting this last week and got an offer today.  (Last time I was job hunting, it also only took about a week.  I don’t want to admit the economy is better, but perhaps it is?)   I haven’t accepted yet, but I plan on doing so tomorrow.  It will come with a pay raise, which will really help my finances.  And, with any luck, it will keep me busy.

I had a date tonight with someone new–they had invited me to dinner at a vegan restaurant, and I wasn’t excited, to be honest.  I’m not against vegan food, but most restaurants try to incorporate too many fake substitutes–I prefer vegan food that is just entirely without and fakes.  Anyway, they canceled this morning, and I rejoiced.  It clearly seems that the universe is trying to make up for the abysmal week I’ve had thus far.

My tattoo is healing nicely.  Almost three weeks ago I got part two on my Harry Potter tattoo–it’s the Hogwarts crest, with an emphasis on my house (Ravenclaw).  After it’s all the way healed, I can get the final installment done, which will include a wee bit of color.  I’m pretty excited for that.

That’s about it for now.