Big Updates

It seems that a lot has gone on in the past almost two months.

First off the bat, I got engaged!  We’re getting married in October, and things are already lining up well, so that is a relief!  We’re definitely planning a very low-key wedding, so that is helpful. But other than doing the planning we have to do right now, we’re putting it off, because…

We’re trying to buy a house.  The one big hitch (other than having not enough/barely enough money for the up-front costs) is that T still owns her house with her ex. ugh.  Her ex  finally did agree to buy her out, at less than half the equity, after futzing around for two months, but now her ex is going to require her to be out by the end of March.  We were hoping she could stay until at least April because we can’t get going on our house stuff until we have cash in hand from the house.  Of course the market is so expensive that it will still be quite hard to afford anything.  It’s incredibly frustrating.

The other option was to sell the house, but her ex refused to do that unless everyone was out of it, and since T actually lives there, plus has pets, that was unrealistic.  Plus we knew she would drag it out as long as possible, and we want to start our life without her.

I’m going to tell you, it’s a lot of big stuff all at the same time.  (T also started a new job this month.)  We have talked about just renting for a year, but we have four pets between the two of us, and we’d end up paying just as much as, if not more than, a mortgage.  We’re also worried we’ll get priced out of the market if we wait because we’re barely able to be in the market now, and prices will only continue to go up.  Renting isn’t completely off the table, though.  It’s just not our first hope.

I’m going to try to blog on a more regular basis.  I’ll try to give you updates on the house and the wedding.

Hope your Monday treats you well!

summer angst & other stories

I think that warm weather makes me angsty. It definitely makes me cranky.

Lately… I don’t know. I think I cause my own problems sometimes.  Today has been a doozy of a day.  (Yes, I just said “doozy.” I may be 35 physically, but I’m definitely a grandma on the inside.)

This morning, I checked my mail to find  notice from my doctor saying she is moving to a different clinic.  The doctor it took me over a year to find. The doctor that didn’t give me strange looks because I present butch, that was comfortable with talking about sex (and *gasp* lesbian sex, including toys), that made me feel like I could actually talk with her about health issues instead of feeling awkward and uncomfortable and wishing I were anywhere else.  Damn.

Then I got to work and realized I’d made a mistake that will cost my organization about $1,000.  Now, in the big scheme of things (our annual operating budget is about $18 million–or was it $8 million –either way, it’s a lot), it’s not a big deal, but losing money is the exact opposite goal of my job.  Anyway, my boss was great about it, so that’s nice, but I still feel like trash.

And then, to ruin my otherwise not great day even further, on the way home, I had a total jackass behind me.  White, middle aged male, in case you were wondering what type.  I was at a light, with a protected left turn, but the traffic turning was backed up into the intersection, so I didn’t go.  That’s when he started honking, gesturing at me, and flipping me off.  When the light turned yellow and I still didn’t go (with the cars ever present, blocking the other lanes of traffic), he got even angrier.  Then when the light turned green again, and it was clear, he laid on the horn and gave a long lasting blast as I went through the light in front of him.  He continued for quite some time, and since I was only going toward more non-moving traffic, I went about 5 miles an hour to get there (because I am a bit petty).  Anyway, he finally pulled over after passing me, which made me nervous because I was worried he would get back behind me to follow, but he did not.

But what the fuck?  What an asshole.

Regarding the woes I was having with my bestie, we have made up.  She apologized, and we’ve talked it out, and I feel good about that.  She is making a clear effort to make time for me, and that’s all I can ask for.  However, her birthday has passed, and I still don’t know what to get her.  Oi.

In non-angsty news (mostly), my sister’s birthday is next weekend.  I found a super cool Dr. Who themed steam punk style fascinator.  She’s a fan of both.  Of course I decided it needed a hat box.  Word to the wise: you can buy cute hat boxes at Daiso for $1.50.  Do not attempt to decorate your own that you got at Michael’s. It’s a fuck ton more work than you would imagine, not to mention the cost is greater.  Anyway, I got some cream colored canvas for the outside, plus used some great blue cheetah print fabric for the inside.  I need to hot glue on a nice ribbon for the hat box band, and I stenciled on a fantastic Victorian style “S” (for her name) that I also sprinkled with diamond dust glitter.  I should take pics when I’m all the way done because I think it’s turned out well.  However, next time, I swear, Daiso it is.  (I didn’t know until after I’d done most of the work.)

And now, I am sitting shirtless at my computer (damn weather), drinking a beer, and figuring out how to kill time until I head to my girlfriend’s for the weekend.  (I am waiting for traffic to die down.)

I hope you all are having a better day than me.  I also hope my weekend does not follow suit from today!

Friends and girlfriends

This week has been an emotional roller coaster, but without any of the ups.

I don’t know what to do about the friend situation I’m in.  There have been a series of slow texts between the two of us.  I’m not sure if I want to try to repair or if I just want to let it remain broken.  I unfriended her (and her husband) on facebook a couple days ago.  That was only because I truly felt (feel?) there is nothing left to what we had and no point in keeping anything.  With that, I couldn’t handle seeing her on social media.

And I am a purger.  I often purge too early or too thoroughly, but sometimes it’s what I need.  But if we try to repair, I don’t know how feasible it would be.  The hurt on both sides–the hurt I’ve felt and didn’t communicate until too late and the hurt I’ve committed toward her during the blow out–it’s nothing to be forgotten easily.

In other news, my girlfriend showed up unexpectedly last night at 4am.  With alcohol on her breath.  She is currently sleeping, but I can guarantee there will be a conversation about this once she’s up.  I’m not pleased.  One, I’m certain she was driving with too much alcohol in her system.  Two, I do not like being woken up in the middle of the night (and so close to my normal waking time that I was unable to go back to sleep).  Three, I have a plan for my night/day that I do not like to have hijacked.  I can forgive a one time dalliance, but if this is a thing that happens more, then that is something I will not be able to handle.  Making bad life choices is one thing, but making bad life choices and involving me is quite another.

I don’t like excessive drinking. I don’t like unsafe choices.  I am 100% not okay with driving under the influence.  I am not okay with someone not respecting my personal space.  While I am certain that sober she would not have made that choice, that is exactly the problem.  I don’t want to date someone who is going to make those kind of choices and then involve me in them.  I have a feeling she will feel bad when she wakes up, but I want to be with someone who will not make the kind of choices she has to feel bad about when she wakes up.  Anyway, I’m hoping this is a one-off and we can move on.

What a mess.

parental musings

My niece’s birthday is next month, and my brother texted to tell me his girlfriend will be there.  This will be her first time meeting the family (not counting his kids, of course).  He has not officially told my parents about her, but his kids have (naturally).  So when I was talking on the phone with my mom, I mentioned to her that she’ll get to meet the girlfriend soon.  The excitement in her voice was palpable.  And it erased any desire of mine to mention my own girlfriend, to suggest that perhaps she may be at the party, as well.

Because all I could think about is how my mom’s reaction to my own news would not be one of excitement, but, rather, the exact opposite.

And it brings to mind that there is still a part of me that feels if it were possible, I would wish to be straight.  I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but there it is.  If I were straight, my parents would not be in denial over who I am.  If I were straight, I wouldn’t have lost most of my friends when I came out.  If I were straight, I could live anywhere I liked in the U.S. without concern.  If I were straight… well, I wouldn’t be me.  But I would fit into other’s expectations for my life much better.

I am happy with who I am.  I love my girlfriend.  I love that I finally know what it’s like to be happy and comfortable with who I am.  But there is just the tiniest bit of internal homophobia that crops up at times, and I hate it.  I want to know how to cross over into being 100% happy that I’m gay.  But maybe there will always be that small part of me that is aware of how disappointed my parents are in me, that I will not be able to make them proud or happy.

I hope not.

my girl

Things are still going well with T.  I don’t get to see her as much as I would like, but that is life, apparently.

I do have regular moments where it hits me, all of a sudden, that I have a girlfriend.  That I’m not technically single.  That I’m in a relationship with another person.  It’s weird.  Weird, but nice.

I also have the considerations that maybe I’d rather be single, that it’s so much easier to be alone.  These thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with T, they are just objective thoughts.  T is the reason I have not decided to follow through–so far, I prefer a relationship with her to not having one with her.

I’ve met some of her family.  That was pretty stressful, but I think it went well.  They seemed to like me.

And we may be going on a short vacation to Chicago next month–that’s where she grew up.  It’s also weird to think about going on vacation with someone.  I have a lot of anxiety about the idea, but I also think it will be a good thing, if it works out.  The anxiety is more related to the idea of taking a trip somewhere than the fact I’d be going with T.  I’m not used to taking trips.

Well, that’s about it for now.

thinking only of the good (denying the bad)

I got a raise yesterday at work.  I hadn’t expected it, nor had I asked for it, so it was the best kind of raise.  Apparently my boss meant to give it to me after 3 months, but that was also the beginning of the year and things were crazy busy.  So I got it for the last pay period, and now I have a bit of extra cash (since I haven’t budgeted it away yet).  Kind of exciting.

Things are going well with T.  She is really awesome.  Example: last week, I was craving cream cheese wontons (who knows why).  She had some delivered to my apartment!  Seriously, so nice and thoughtful.  Anyway, since most of our dates are spent in bed (ahem), this weekend we’re going to have a proper date… dinner and a movie.  Ha.

Mmm, it’s time to go to work.  Yay, Friday!

love life upswing

I’m signing a year lease renewal on my apartment. It feels weird to do that, every time.  But I have no plans of moving anywhere in the next year, and fiscally, it makes the most sense with my goals.  I have a full size washer and dryer, a fireplace, no pet rent, and a fairly responsive management team.  Why would I leave?

In regard to the woman I’ve started seeing, I do believe she will be sticking around for awhile.  So for expediency, let’s call her T.  We’re officially only dating each other.  But I also refuse to call it anything yet (which, thankfully, she is fine with).  I think she regards me something akin to a skittish colt with as much as she keeps thinking I’ll bolt at any moment.  Can’t think of what I’ve done to give her that impression… hahaha

I just have no idea how these things work, and as I’ve insisted, things could blow up in our faces at any moment.  I don’t know her that well yet. It seems weird to start something when you don’t know everything about a person, but it also seems weird to not start something until that impossible point.  Really, this is me being in my mid 30’s, having no idea what it means to have a relationship, no idea how to have one, no idea of any of it.  I suppose I’ll just make it up as I go.

And not to be a complete middle-schooler about it all, but I just keep worrying I’ll fuck it up somehow.  It’s so early stages.  Is that bad in and of itself?  Or normal?  Or completely without meaning in the big scheme of things?

We’re both filling out this yes/no/maybe sex questionnaire that I wanted us to do…  Because I’m a big nerd who likes to try new things in bed.  And because I have such a hard time saying what I like or want or want to try, I thought this might be a good way to get the conversation started.  (Although, I have told her a few things already, because she is pleasantly persistent.)  I like that I’m seeing someone who is okay with doing these things and doesn’t think I’m lame.

It’s weird that it’s going so well.

Last Day of 2016

I can’t believe how time as flown.  I also can’t believe how little I’ve been blogging.  I just haven’t had the energy.  Or at least, that’s the excuse I’m going to use.

I’m not doing resolutions of any sort this year.  Overall, I’m pleased with the direction my life is going.  I’m pleased with the choices I’m making.  I don’t feel an overwhelming urge to change my life in a major way at this point.

I have a job I like. I have good friends who support me.  I have an active dating life (haha, maybe too active).  My family is getting used to the fact that I’m gay.  I’m eating okay, and although I need to get back on the exercise track and lose a bit of weight, that’s a lifelong struggle.

Today I’m making slow cooker butter chicken.  So far, it’s looking perfect.  I’m also making homemade no-knead bread (lazy me) for blackened carrot & cannellini bean sandwiches (which are way better than they sound).  I’m not going out tonight, so this is my way of celebrating.

I hope you all have a safe and fun New Years Eve.

second date update

I snuck out of a second date tonight.  Like a complete ass.

I had a pretty good first date with her last weekend, but I was unsure of a few things.  However, still willing to go on a second, because that’s how you find out, right?  She feels similarly about gender (although is self-described gender-fluid, which is different).  But there were all these things… some shallow, maybe most shallow, it’s hard to say.

Her hair did nothing for me.  (I am a sucker for good hair.)  She was a giggler.  Wtf.  I laugh, all the time. But I laugh.  I am not into giggles.  The occasional chuckle, sure.  Giggles?  What are we?  Fifteen year old girls?!  It’s so unattractive.

And then for the real kicker. She kept telling me how excited she was to see me, how she had a good feeling about me, how she liked all these things about me.  (What things? We went on one date.)  And that made me so incredibly anxious.  It sets up expectations that I know I can’t meet (nor do I want to).  Sure, be excited, but keep it to yourself. I don’t want to know it.

So here we are on this date. We had a casual dinner, then were going to watch Fantastic Beasts.  I’m freezing cold because I got cold at dinner and couldn’t warm up again (my life story).  The movie was not exciting me.  And I felt dread and anxiety about the person sitting next to me, giggling.  So I got up to use the bathroom and ran out to my car where I texted that I left because I wasn’t into the movie, was anxious, and was an ass.  She wrote back to say she hoped we could try again.  Um. No?

I need to be with someone that I’m into and that doesn’t fill me with anxiety.  And maybe that person doesn’t exist–which is cool so long as I get some action here and there.  And even if not, I’m pretty good with being by myself, to be honest.

Ugh.

androgyny

I went out on like three dates last week.  It was too many.  One was a butch, with whom I had nothing in common.  She was hot, but our lives were too opposite.  Another was a librarian, but she had nothing interesting to say (or maybe I didn’t). Regardless, we couldn’t find any points of connection.  The last was a femme who doesn’t believe bisexuals exist and that trans or gender non-conforming people insisting on their correct/chosen pronouns is annoying.  (I do not have time for that kind of shit. It’s 2016. And shouldn’t we LGBTQ+ folk be interested in the welfare of the whole group, not just the L or G??)

Speaking of femmes, speaking of beating a dead horse, I have tried and tried. I just can’t get into them.  I’ve done my best.  I’m giving up.

I don’t think it’s being a femme that inherently turns me off. I think it’s their perspective on gender (to be fair, not all of them will feel this way).  I finally am starting to figure something out.  I don’t want to be made to feel gender.  The femmes I’ve gone out with have all wanted me to be the masculine butch. But I don’t want to be that.  I think I fall more into the androgynous butch category (is this a category? If not, I’m making it one right now).  I dress butch, but I feel androgynous.  I don’t want to feel like a woman and I don’t want to feel like a man.  I want to feel like a nothing.

I still feel most comfortable with she/her pronouns, although I suppose that could change.  But even if it doesn’t, I’m allowed to feel like neither and use female pronouns, right?

So that to say, when I’m with other androgynous or butch women, they never make me feel gender.  They just feel like me, which is a good feeling.  In retrospect, the ones I’ve felt the most connection with have had similar feelings about their gender.

So now I’m learning to express this, learning that it’s important.  And I’m learning what it means for me.