Friends and girlfriends

This week has been an emotional roller coaster, but without any of the ups.

I don’t know what to do about the friend situation I’m in.  There have been a series of slow texts between the two of us.  I’m not sure if I want to try to repair or if I just want to let it remain broken.  I unfriended her (and her husband) on facebook a couple days ago.  That was only because I truly felt (feel?) there is nothing left to what we had and no point in keeping anything.  With that, I couldn’t handle seeing her on social media.

And I am a purger.  I often purge too early or too thoroughly, but sometimes it’s what I need.  But if we try to repair, I don’t know how feasible it would be.  The hurt on both sides–the hurt I’ve felt and didn’t communicate until too late and the hurt I’ve committed toward her during the blow out–it’s nothing to be forgotten easily.

In other news, my girlfriend showed up unexpectedly last night at 4am.  With alcohol on her breath.  She is currently sleeping, but I can guarantee there will be a conversation about this once she’s up.  I’m not pleased.  One, I’m certain she was driving with too much alcohol in her system.  Two, I do not like being woken up in the middle of the night (and so close to my normal waking time that I was unable to go back to sleep).  Three, I have a plan for my night/day that I do not like to have hijacked.  I can forgive a one time dalliance, but if this is a thing that happens more, then that is something I will not be able to handle.  Making bad life choices is one thing, but making bad life choices and involving me is quite another.

I don’t like excessive drinking. I don’t like unsafe choices.  I am 100% not okay with driving under the influence.  I am not okay with someone not respecting my personal space.  While I am certain that sober she would not have made that choice, that is exactly the problem.  I don’t want to date someone who is going to make those kind of choices and then involve me in them.  I have a feeling she will feel bad when she wakes up, but I want to be with someone who will not make the kind of choices she has to feel bad about when she wakes up.  Anyway, I’m hoping this is a one-off and we can move on.

What a mess.

emo post

A quick edit to my last post.  T and I have been officially dating five months, not six.  I am rubbish at math.

---

I hate change. I hate becoming irrelevant and unnecessary and unwanted.  It takes me a long time to truly let someone in my life, but when I do, I do come to rely on them in a way that I’m never quite comfortable with.  So when that relationship ends (specifically friendship in this instance), it first takes me a long time to realize it, then to accept it, then to be willing to let anyone else in again.

I have had a long-distance friend for most of my adult life, and it seems like we have finally grown apart.  Or, more accurately, she has grown apart from me.  Her life is busy and full, and while I would say mine is as well, hers is in a way that does not necessitate my presence in her life any longer.  I am happy that she has good friends nearby, a husband she loves, a job she likes.  But I am sad that it means I have been pushed out and made obsolete.

I have seen it coming for months, but have desperately tried to ignore and deny it.  The problem is, I can’t anymore.  I’m not capable of being the one friend who makes time and space and makes the other a priority when it is so painfully clear that I am not one in return.  I can’t be a leftover friend to someone that I view as a best friend.  Maybe this is selfish of me, but I get to choose that part.

So now I’m going to spend the rest of the evening feel sad and sorry for myself.  I’ll pick myself up in the morning and remind myself that I am an independent person who is self-sufficient and needs no one, but I’ll wallow a bit tonight.