past due parental meet up post

I never did get around to telling you about how it went when T met the parents.  I mean, I think I mentioned it briefly…

The first meeting was at my niece’s birthday party in June, as planned.  It was pretty chill; the parents were friendly.  There was no weirdness or angst.  I did find out after that my mom was upset that she was the last to know (my siblings knew first), but I told her there were pics of us on facebook, so if she ever logged in…  Anyway.  It was weird to have her upset that I hadn’t told her.  Encouraging almost.

Since then, there have been many opportunities to interact.  We went to a little shopping nook with my parents and sister and had lunch.  We did a day trip for my birthday.  There was another niece’s birthday.  My parents moved last month, so we’ve helped a few (3 or 4) times with that.  We’ve been out for my sister’s birthday.  They’ve been so friendly and open.  I’m sure they’d still rather I was not gay, but I’m so pleased they are being nice.  Mom even gives T hugs.

Honestly, I could have never expected this.  Granted, the level of excitement my mom feels for my brother’s girlfriend definitely eclipses how she feels about my own; however, that is to be expected.  (Although, I would like to point out that my brother’s girlfriend has not helped with the move even once. I’ve got that beat.  But I think T and I both feel like we need to go above and beyond to win the parents over.  Plus, I owe it to my folks. They’ve helped me out so much over the years.)

It’s good.  It’s weird and unexpected, but it’s good.  Maybe in time, they will see it as a good thing, as well.

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summer angst & other stories

I think that warm weather makes me angsty. It definitely makes me cranky.

Lately… I don’t know. I think I cause my own problems sometimes.  Today has been a doozy of a day.  (Yes, I just said “doozy.” I may be 35 physically, but I’m definitely a grandma on the inside.)

This morning, I checked my mail to find  notice from my doctor saying she is moving to a different clinic.  The doctor it took me over a year to find. The doctor that didn’t give me strange looks because I present butch, that was comfortable with talking about sex (and *gasp* lesbian sex, including toys), that made me feel like I could actually talk with her about health issues instead of feeling awkward and uncomfortable and wishing I were anywhere else.  Damn.

Then I got to work and realized I’d made a mistake that will cost my organization about $1,000.  Now, in the big scheme of things (our annual operating budget is about $18 million–or was it $8 million –either way, it’s a lot), it’s not a big deal, but losing money is the exact opposite goal of my job.  Anyway, my boss was great about it, so that’s nice, but I still feel like trash.

And then, to ruin my otherwise not great day even further, on the way home, I had a total jackass behind me.  White, middle aged male, in case you were wondering what type.  I was at a light, with a protected left turn, but the traffic turning was backed up into the intersection, so I didn’t go.  That’s when he started honking, gesturing at me, and flipping me off.  When the light turned yellow and I still didn’t go (with the cars ever present, blocking the other lanes of traffic), he got even angrier.  Then when the light turned green again, and it was clear, he laid on the horn and gave a long lasting blast as I went through the light in front of him.  He continued for quite some time, and since I was only going toward more non-moving traffic, I went about 5 miles an hour to get there (because I am a bit petty).  Anyway, he finally pulled over after passing me, which made me nervous because I was worried he would get back behind me to follow, but he did not.

But what the fuck?  What an asshole.

Regarding the woes I was having with my bestie, we have made up.  She apologized, and we’ve talked it out, and I feel good about that.  She is making a clear effort to make time for me, and that’s all I can ask for.  However, her birthday has passed, and I still don’t know what to get her.  Oi.

In non-angsty news (mostly), my sister’s birthday is next weekend.  I found a super cool Dr. Who themed steam punk style fascinator.  She’s a fan of both.  Of course I decided it needed a hat box.  Word to the wise: you can buy cute hat boxes at Daiso for $1.50.  Do not attempt to decorate your own that you got at Michael’s. It’s a fuck ton more work than you would imagine, not to mention the cost is greater.  Anyway, I got some cream colored canvas for the outside, plus used some great blue cheetah print fabric for the inside.  I need to hot glue on a nice ribbon for the hat box band, and I stenciled on a fantastic Victorian style “S” (for her name) that I also sprinkled with diamond dust glitter.  I should take pics when I’m all the way done because I think it’s turned out well.  However, next time, I swear, Daiso it is.  (I didn’t know until after I’d done most of the work.)

And now, I am sitting shirtless at my computer (damn weather), drinking a beer, and figuring out how to kill time until I head to my girlfriend’s for the weekend.  (I am waiting for traffic to die down.)

I hope you all are having a better day than me.  I also hope my weekend does not follow suit from today!

Friends and girlfriends

This week has been an emotional roller coaster, but without any of the ups.

I don’t know what to do about the friend situation I’m in.  There have been a series of slow texts between the two of us.  I’m not sure if I want to try to repair or if I just want to let it remain broken.  I unfriended her (and her husband) on facebook a couple days ago.  That was only because I truly felt (feel?) there is nothing left to what we had and no point in keeping anything.  With that, I couldn’t handle seeing her on social media.

And I am a purger.  I often purge too early or too thoroughly, but sometimes it’s what I need.  But if we try to repair, I don’t know how feasible it would be.  The hurt on both sides–the hurt I’ve felt and didn’t communicate until too late and the hurt I’ve committed toward her during the blow out–it’s nothing to be forgotten easily.

In other news, my girlfriend showed up unexpectedly last night at 4am.  With alcohol on her breath.  She is currently sleeping, but I can guarantee there will be a conversation about this once she’s up.  I’m not pleased.  One, I’m certain she was driving with too much alcohol in her system.  Two, I do not like being woken up in the middle of the night (and so close to my normal waking time that I was unable to go back to sleep).  Three, I have a plan for my night/day that I do not like to have hijacked.  I can forgive a one time dalliance, but if this is a thing that happens more, then that is something I will not be able to handle.  Making bad life choices is one thing, but making bad life choices and involving me is quite another.

I don’t like excessive drinking. I don’t like unsafe choices.  I am 100% not okay with driving under the influence.  I am not okay with someone not respecting my personal space.  While I am certain that sober she would not have made that choice, that is exactly the problem.  I don’t want to date someone who is going to make those kind of choices and then involve me in them.  I have a feeling she will feel bad when she wakes up, but I want to be with someone who will not make the kind of choices she has to feel bad about when she wakes up.  Anyway, I’m hoping this is a one-off and we can move on.

What a mess.

emo post

A quick edit to my last post.  T and I have been officially dating five months, not six.  I am rubbish at math.


I hate change. I hate becoming irrelevant and unnecessary and unwanted.  It takes me a long time to truly let someone in my life, but when I do, I do come to rely on them in a way that I’m never quite comfortable with.  So when that relationship ends (specifically friendship in this instance), it first takes me a long time to realize it, then to accept it, then to be willing to let anyone else in again.

I have had a long-distance friend for most of my adult life, and it seems like we have finally grown apart.  Or, more accurately, she has grown apart from me.  Her life is busy and full, and while I would say mine is as well, hers is in a way that does not necessitate my presence in her life any longer.  I am happy that she has good friends nearby, a husband she loves, a job she likes.  But I am sad that it means I have been pushed out and made obsolete.

I have seen it coming for months, but have desperately tried to ignore and deny it.  The problem is, I can’t anymore.  I’m not capable of being the one friend who makes time and space and makes the other a priority when it is so painfully clear that I am not one in return.  I can’t be a leftover friend to someone that I view as a best friend.  Maybe this is selfish of me, but I get to choose that part.

So now I’m going to spend the rest of the evening feel sad and sorry for myself.  I’ll pick myself up in the morning and remind myself that I am an independent person who is self-sufficient and needs no one, but I’ll wallow a bit tonight.

July already?!

Somehow it has been over a month since I last posted.  To be fair, June was a really busy month for me (and generally is): my dad’s birthday, Father’s Day, my niece’s birthday, my birthday, Pride…

I’m 35 now.  That’s a weird feeling.  Halfway through my 30’s.  I don’t mind aging–I still consider myself young.  But I’m also aware of reality.  I want to be able to buy a house before I’m 40, and that is looking like it will be a struggle.  I would also like to have the mortgage paid off before ‘retirement.’  (I don’t know that I’ll ever truly retire–I doubt I’d be able to afford it.)  But I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get these things done.  I’m still paying off my student loan (set to have it paid in full this December if all goes well), so I can’t even start saving for a down payment until then.  6.8% interest is no joke (thanks, government).

In more immediate news, yesterday my water heater started leaking.  It’s going pretty well, actually.  I woke up this early am to the sound of water splashing over the sides of the pot I put under the leak.  Anyway, my apartment manager refused to do anything about it yesterday and will not tell me if it will be taken care of today, so… I’m pissed, as you can imagine–he just wanted me to turn the water off and use a vacant apartment that he left unlocked and that at least one other person is currently using (no thank you).  Thank goodness I have a little carpet extractor (attached to my carpet stain cleaner).  I was able to get up most of the water from the carpet that had soaked in before I found the leak.  I’ve had a fan on it since yesterday, so now it’s mostly dry.  But what about most people who do not have these things or would not care to do them?  Damn apartment living.

T and I are still going strong.  We’ve both been a little grouchy lately, which is annoying, but which is also life.  It’ll be six months this month.

That’s all to report for now.  I hope you all are doing well. 🙂  Remind me to tell you next time how it went for T to meet the parents (spoiler: way the fuck better than I could have imagined).

parental musings

My niece’s birthday is next month, and my brother texted to tell me his girlfriend will be there.  This will be her first time meeting the family (not counting his kids, of course).  He has not officially told my parents about her, but his kids have (naturally).  So when I was talking on the phone with my mom, I mentioned to her that she’ll get to meet the girlfriend soon.  The excitement in her voice was palpable.  And it erased any desire of mine to mention my own girlfriend, to suggest that perhaps she may be at the party, as well.

Because all I could think about is how my mom’s reaction to my own news would not be one of excitement, but, rather, the exact opposite.

And it brings to mind that there is still a part of me that feels if it were possible, I would wish to be straight.  I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but there it is.  If I were straight, my parents would not be in denial over who I am.  If I were straight, I wouldn’t have lost most of my friends when I came out.  If I were straight, I could live anywhere I liked in the U.S. without concern.  If I were straight… well, I wouldn’t be me.  But I would fit into other’s expectations for my life much better.

I am happy with who I am.  I love my girlfriend.  I love that I finally know what it’s like to be happy and comfortable with who I am.  But there is just the tiniest bit of internal homophobia that crops up at times, and I hate it.  I want to know how to cross over into being 100% happy that I’m gay.  But maybe there will always be that small part of me that is aware of how disappointed my parents are in me, that I will not be able to make them proud or happy.

I hope not.

A general round-up of life

T and I went to the coast last weekend, and it was delightful.  We had such a good time.  The only conflict we had, if you could call it that, was my desire to get out of bed at the crack of dawn and begin foraging for food, whereas T would prefer to sleep in.  We mostly made it work, both of us slightly disappointed with the compromise, which is how I think it works?  ha  Apparently I can’t ditch her on our first getaway together.  Maybe on the next she’ll let me.

T finally told me she loved me, before our vacation. I was determined to make her say it first, and to that end, I was not helpful in giving her encouragement (haha).  I think the best part is that I knew she wanted to say it, then she chickened out, so I woke up to a text telling me she loved me, apologizing for saying it over text, and promising to say it properly when we were next together.  I didn’t mind–and now I have a funny story to tell.  But I was kind in return and told her I loved her, too, instead of making her wait until we were in person, like I sort of wanted to do (but decided would be too mean).

In other news: I found a doctor I like!  She was amazing!  I saw her last week for an annual physical, and when I brought up sex (lesbian sex, no less), she did not look awkward or get tongue tied (unlike every other stupid doctor).  She even asked if we used toys as if it were a normal thing to ask about (which it should be and which was appropriate in the context of our conversation–this was not a gawker type question).  I’m so glad.  I really felt comfortable with her and was finally able to ask about a few things I’d been concerned about.

I’ve also been on weight watchers for about five weeks now and am steadily losing weight.  I don’t have a ton to lose–I just want my clothes to fit loosely again.  I let myself gain about 30 pounds and my clothes were all fitting snugly, which is the worst.  So I’ve lost about 10 pounds so far, and we’ll see after another 10 how I feel.  I have no qualms about my body in particular, but I don’t want to have to purchase a new wardrobe.

And, perhaps antithetically to my weight loss goals, I made 4 mini cheesecakes (about 3-4″ diameter?) the last two days.  Three I made yesterday for mother’s day this weekend (going to the parents’ house with my siblings and nieces): they are vanilla with peanut butter swirl, chocolate with vanilla swirl, and chocolate with peanut butter swirl.  Then I made one more cheesecake tonight to share with T this weekend.  It is layered with apple pie filling (but the apples are diced).  I love baking.

I also finally purchased a few sets of mini baking pans (they are adorable). My mom bought me a Small Batch Baking cookbook awhile ago, but without mini pans (I had the spring forms already), I hadn’t really utilized it.  But now I can, which is great, because I do not need to make whole cakes or other desserts.  And it’s easier to have recipes cut down to size ahead of time.

Anyway, that’s about it.  I mean to blog more often than I do, but I always come up with good things to write when I can’t.  I’ll try to do better.

STIs and Love

I’ve been learning about HPV.  (Nice opener, right?)  T got a positive result for high risk HPV (but negative for 16 or 18, which are the most common to cause cervical cancer).  She told me and of course feels horrible about it.  But I told her that it’s just as likely that it was me who gave it to her.  Her ex tested negative, and I haven’t been tested in several years (although I’m going to), so…  it’s hard to say.  The other thing is that most cases clear up just fine on their own.  Apparently you only really worry if you get one that lasts more than 1 test, but cervical cancer develops slowly, over 10-20 years and is easy to treat when it’s caught early.  Here’s a great booklet to check out from American Cancer Society.

Perhaps you all know that already.   Regardless, here’s what annoys me.  When I go to the doctor to get check ups, they insist I don’t need hardly any STI tests, or paps or anything because I am considered “low risk” because I’m a lesbian.  It’s as thought doctors don’t believe lesbians can get STIs.  [Side note: I am also annoyed, and have been since it came out, that the HPV vaccine is only available to women up to age 26 because they assume that if a woman was going to get HPV, they would have by then. Some of us weren’t very or at all sexually active until later meaning our risks are just as great. And men don’t get tested and people sleep with folk of all ages, and and and.]

Now, off the STI talk. It’s not very interesting.

T and I are taking a weekend trip in a couple weeks.  Not to Chicago.  Just a long weekend together, without responsibilities, without schedules.  It will be delightful.

We haven’t said the “L” word yet.  I think she wants to but is afraid it will spook me.  I haven’t said it yet because I spend too much time thinking about what it means, what the significance might be, and practically speaking, how to just say something like that to someone in a non-casual, off-hand way.  I’m probably over thinking this.  I’m just hoping she gets brave eventually and says it herself so that I don’t have to.  HA!

my girl

Things are still going well with T.  I don’t get to see her as much as I would like, but that is life, apparently.

I do have regular moments where it hits me, all of a sudden, that I have a girlfriend.  That I’m not technically single.  That I’m in a relationship with another person.  It’s weird.  Weird, but nice.

I also have the considerations that maybe I’d rather be single, that it’s so much easier to be alone.  These thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with T, they are just objective thoughts.  T is the reason I have not decided to follow through–so far, I prefer a relationship with her to not having one with her.

I’ve met some of her family.  That was pretty stressful, but I think it went well.  They seemed to like me.

And we may be going on a short vacation to Chicago next month–that’s where she grew up.  It’s also weird to think about going on vacation with someone.  I have a lot of anxiety about the idea, but I also think it will be a good thing, if it works out.  The anxiety is more related to the idea of taking a trip somewhere than the fact I’d be going with T.  I’m not used to taking trips.

Well, that’s about it for now.

Mmm, popcorn.

My girl sent me a box of fancy popcorn. 

 She knows how much I like popcorn, and she is clearly too nice to me. 

In other news, I’ve gained some weight over the last year or so. I’m trying to get serious about losing it, mostly because it’s harder to hide my female shape when I’ve gained weight. Plus my clothes are starting to get tight. 

But you know what is horrible? Not being able to eat any and all the food I want. Alas. 🙂