parental musings

My niece’s birthday is next month, and my brother texted to tell me his girlfriend will be there.  This will be her first time meeting the family (not counting his kids, of course).  He has not officially told my parents about her, but his kids have (naturally).  So when I was talking on the phone with my mom, I mentioned to her that she’ll get to meet the girlfriend soon.  The excitement in her voice was palpable.  And it erased any desire of mine to mention my own girlfriend, to suggest that perhaps she may be at the party, as well.

Because all I could think about is how my mom’s reaction to my own news would not be one of excitement, but, rather, the exact opposite.

And it brings to mind that there is still a part of me that feels if it were possible, I would wish to be straight.  I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but there it is.  If I were straight, my parents would not be in denial over who I am.  If I were straight, I wouldn’t have lost most of my friends when I came out.  If I were straight, I could live anywhere I liked in the U.S. without concern.  If I were straight… well, I wouldn’t be me.  But I would fit into other’s expectations for my life much better.

I am happy with who I am.  I love my girlfriend.  I love that I finally know what it’s like to be happy and comfortable with who I am.  But there is just the tiniest bit of internal homophobia that crops up at times, and I hate it.  I want to know how to cross over into being 100% happy that I’m gay.  But maybe there will always be that small part of me that is aware of how disappointed my parents are in me, that I will not be able to make them proud or happy.

I hope not.

A general round-up of life

T and I went to the coast last weekend, and it was delightful.  We had such a good time.  The only conflict we had, if you could call it that, was my desire to get out of bed at the crack of dawn and begin foraging for food, whereas T would prefer to sleep in.  We mostly made it work, both of us slightly disappointed with the compromise, which is how I think it works?  ha  Apparently I can’t ditch her on our first getaway together.  Maybe on the next she’ll let me.

T finally told me she loved me, before our vacation. I was determined to make her say it first, and to that end, I was not helpful in giving her encouragement (haha).  I think the best part is that I knew she wanted to say it, then she chickened out, so I woke up to a text telling me she loved me, apologizing for saying it over text, and promising to say it properly when we were next together.  I didn’t mind–and now I have a funny story to tell.  But I was kind in return and told her I loved her, too, instead of making her wait until we were in person, like I sort of wanted to do (but decided would be too mean).

In other news: I found a doctor I like!  She was amazing!  I saw her last week for an annual physical, and when I brought up sex (lesbian sex, no less), she did not look awkward or get tongue tied (unlike every other stupid doctor).  She even asked if we used toys as if it were a normal thing to ask about (which it should be and which was appropriate in the context of our conversation–this was not a gawker type question).  I’m so glad.  I really felt comfortable with her and was finally able to ask about a few things I’d been concerned about.

I’ve also been on weight watchers for about five weeks now and am steadily losing weight.  I don’t have a ton to lose–I just want my clothes to fit loosely again.  I let myself gain about 30 pounds and my clothes were all fitting snugly, which is the worst.  So I’ve lost about 10 pounds so far, and we’ll see after another 10 how I feel.  I have no qualms about my body in particular, but I don’t want to have to purchase a new wardrobe.

And, perhaps antithetically to my weight loss goals, I made 4 mini cheesecakes (about 3-4″ diameter?) the last two days.  Three I made yesterday for mother’s day this weekend (going to the parents’ house with my siblings and nieces): they are vanilla with peanut butter swirl, chocolate with vanilla swirl, and chocolate with peanut butter swirl.  Then I made one more cheesecake tonight to share with T this weekend.  It is layered with apple pie filling (but the apples are diced).  I love baking.

I also finally purchased a few sets of mini baking pans (they are adorable). My mom bought me a Small Batch Baking cookbook awhile ago, but without mini pans (I had the spring forms already), I hadn’t really utilized it.  But now I can, which is great, because I do not need to make whole cakes or other desserts.  And it’s easier to have recipes cut down to size ahead of time.

Anyway, that’s about it.  I mean to blog more often than I do, but I always come up with good things to write when I can’t.  I’ll try to do better.

STIs and Love

I’ve been learning about HPV.  (Nice opener, right?)  T got a positive result for high risk HPV (but negative for 16 or 18, which are the most common to cause cervical cancer).  She told me and of course feels horrible about it.  But I told her that it’s just as likely that it was me who gave it to her.  Her ex tested negative, and I haven’t been tested in several years (although I’m going to), so…  it’s hard to say.  The other thing is that most cases clear up just fine on their own.  Apparently you only really worry if you get one that lasts more than 1 test, but cervical cancer develops slowly, over 10-20 years and is easy to treat when it’s caught early.  Here’s a great booklet to check out from American Cancer Society.

Perhaps you all know that already.   Regardless, here’s what annoys me.  When I go to the doctor to get check ups, they insist I don’t need hardly any STI tests, or paps or anything because I am considered “low risk” because I’m a lesbian.  It’s as thought doctors don’t believe lesbians can get STIs.  [Side note: I am also annoyed, and have been since it came out, that the HPV vaccine is only available to women up to age 26 because they assume that if a woman was going to get HPV, they would have by then. Some of us weren’t very or at all sexually active until later meaning our risks are just as great. And men don’t get tested and people sleep with folk of all ages, and and and.]

Now, off the STI talk. It’s not very interesting.

T and I are taking a weekend trip in a couple weeks.  Not to Chicago.  Just a long weekend together, without responsibilities, without schedules.  It will be delightful.

We haven’t said the “L” word yet.  I think she wants to but is afraid it will spook me.  I haven’t said it yet because I spend too much time thinking about what it means, what the significance might be, and practically speaking, how to just say something like that to someone in a non-casual, off-hand way.  I’m probably over thinking this.  I’m just hoping she gets brave eventually and says it herself so that I don’t have to.  HA!

my girl

Things are still going well with T.  I don’t get to see her as much as I would like, but that is life, apparently.

I do have regular moments where it hits me, all of a sudden, that I have a girlfriend.  That I’m not technically single.  That I’m in a relationship with another person.  It’s weird.  Weird, but nice.

I also have the considerations that maybe I’d rather be single, that it’s so much easier to be alone.  These thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with T, they are just objective thoughts.  T is the reason I have not decided to follow through–so far, I prefer a relationship with her to not having one with her.

I’ve met some of her family.  That was pretty stressful, but I think it went well.  They seemed to like me.

And we may be going on a short vacation to Chicago next month–that’s where she grew up.  It’s also weird to think about going on vacation with someone.  I have a lot of anxiety about the idea, but I also think it will be a good thing, if it works out.  The anxiety is more related to the idea of taking a trip somewhere than the fact I’d be going with T.  I’m not used to taking trips.

Well, that’s about it for now.

Mmm, popcorn.

My girl sent me a box of fancy popcorn. 

 She knows how much I like popcorn, and she is clearly too nice to me. 

In other news, I’ve gained some weight over the last year or so. I’m trying to get serious about losing it, mostly because it’s harder to hide my female shape when I’ve gained weight. Plus my clothes are starting to get tight. 

But you know what is horrible? Not being able to eat any and all the food I want. Alas. 🙂

Sexual Failure, Esquire.

I just found this draft in my posts.  I mean, there was no post written, just the title.  But the title is epic, so I’m keeping it, even though it’s entirely inaccurate.  And has nothing to do with anything I’m going to write about.

I’m learning how to do dental billing at work.  I’m also looking forward to learning how to do insurance billing.  I like learning new things, and I like the specificity of this type of billing.

Things are still going well with T.  Too well, perhaps.  Can something that goes so smoothly last?  Also, there’s so much physical chemistry that I worry we’ll decide there’s nothing there but sex.  However, we spend a fair amount of time just talking and doing other things together, so I think that is a false fear.  I’m obviously just worried about things in general because it’s new and going well and I like her.

Okay, it’s bedtime. I’ve had too many late nights, and daylight savings did not help.

thinking only of the good (denying the bad)

I got a raise yesterday at work.  I hadn’t expected it, nor had I asked for it, so it was the best kind of raise.  Apparently my boss meant to give it to me after 3 months, but that was also the beginning of the year and things were crazy busy.  So I got it for the last pay period, and now I have a bit of extra cash (since I haven’t budgeted it away yet).  Kind of exciting.

Things are going well with T.  She is really awesome.  Example: last week, I was craving cream cheese wontons (who knows why).  She had some delivered to my apartment!  Seriously, so nice and thoughtful.  Anyway, since most of our dates are spent in bed (ahem), this weekend we’re going to have a proper date… dinner and a movie.  Ha.

Mmm, it’s time to go to work.  Yay, Friday!

love life upswing

I’m signing a year lease renewal on my apartment. It feels weird to do that, every time.  But I have no plans of moving anywhere in the next year, and fiscally, it makes the most sense with my goals.  I have a full size washer and dryer, a fireplace, no pet rent, and a fairly responsive management team.  Why would I leave?
In regard to the woman I’ve started seeing, I do believe she will be sticking around for awhile.  So for expediency, let’s call her T.  We’re officially only dating each other.  But I also refuse to call it anything yet (which, thankfully, she is fine with).  I think she regards me something akin to a skittish colt with as much as she keeps thinking I’ll bolt at any moment.  Can’t think of what I’ve done to give her that impression… hahaha
I just have no idea how these things work, and as I’ve insisted, things could blow up in our faces at any moment.  I don’t know her that well yet. It seems weird to start something when you don’t know everything about a person, but it also seems weird to not start something until that impossible point.  Really, this is me being in my mid 30’s, having no idea what it means to have a relationship, no idea how to have one, no idea of any of it.  I suppose I’ll just make it up as I go.
And not to be a complete middle-schooler about it all, but I just keep worrying I’ll fuck it up somehow.  It’s so early stages.  Is that bad in and of itself?  Or normal?  Or completely without meaning in the big scheme of things?
We’re both filling out this yes/no/maybe sex questionnaire that I wanted us to do…  Because I’m a big nerd who likes to try new things in bed.  And because I have such a hard time saying what I like or want or want to try, I thought this might be a good way to get the conversation started.  (Although, I have told her a few things already, because she is pleasantly persistent.)  I like that I’m seeing someone who is okay with doing these things and doesn’t think I’m lame.
It’s weird that it’s going so well.

blogging & dating

Apparently I haven’t blogged for almost a month.  Woo boy.  I’ve been busy.

Work has been great.

I’ve started seeing someone.  It’s early stages.  It’s kind of scary because of all the potential.  Seriously.  It’s also exciting for the same reason.  I don’t want to jinx it by writing too much, so I’ll stop there.

I will say that she’s been the bright spot in the midst of all the political horror we are enduring every day.

I’ll try to write more often.