hit the brakes


It looks like things with the house are not going to go as hoped.  Apparently, T’s ex’s lender somehow (despite T not being on the application) didn’t realize that T was not going to stay on the loan (wtf), so it has to go into underwriting again.  This is after two months.  It looks like they will simply sell instead.

Which is all fine and good, especially because it is almost for certain that T will get more money from selling.  Except that the house won’t be listed until April at the earliest (if her ex doesn’t drag her feet).  That means it likely won’t be sold/settled until end of May.  That means we can’t get started on any house hunting until around May, which is when the housing market really starts getting competitive.  We can’t afford to be competitive.  We can’t offer more than asking.  We can barely afford asking.  Not just that, but we’d likely not be in a house until July or August at the earliest.  That’s months from now to continue living so far apart.

So I told T that I think we should just try to rent.  She doesn’t want to rent long term, but I’m trying to get her to understand that we’ll likely be priced out of the market by next year.  We’re almost priced out as it is, and the  market is only predicted to continue going up.  Our salaries are not going to pick up comparably.  She doesn’t like this, neither do I, but I can’t see anyway around it, other than intending to be long-term renters, or to move to a cheaper area.

This whole situation has already caused too many fights, and I can see why someone wouldn’t want to get involved with a person who still owned property with an ex.  I’m not saying I’m not still glad I’m with T, but it’s so incredibly frustrating to have our future depend on her ex.  I’m supposed to simply put my life on hold because of her stupid, fucking ex.

I just want to move forward.


Big Updates

It seems that a lot has gone on in the past almost two months.

First off the bat, I got engaged!  We’re getting married in October, and things are already lining up well, so that is a relief!  We’re definitely planning a very low-key wedding, so that is helpful. But other than doing the planning we have to do right now, we’re putting it off, because…

We’re trying to buy a house.  The one big hitch (other than having not enough/barely enough money for the up-front costs) is that T still owns her house with her ex. ugh.  Her ex  finally did agree to buy her out, at less than half the equity, after futzing around for two months, but now her ex is going to require her to be out by the end of March.  We were hoping she could stay until at least April because we can’t get going on our house stuff until we have cash in hand from the house.  Of course the market is so expensive that it will still be quite hard to afford anything.  It’s incredibly frustrating.

The other option was to sell the house, but her ex refused to do that unless everyone was out of it, and since T actually lives there, plus has pets, that was unrealistic.  Plus we knew she would drag it out as long as possible, and we want to start our life without her.

I’m going to tell you, it’s a lot of big stuff all at the same time.  (T also started a new job this month.)  We have talked about just renting for a year, but we have four pets between the two of us, and we’d end up paying just as much as, if not more than, a mortgage.  We’re also worried we’ll get priced out of the market if we wait because we’re barely able to be in the market now, and prices will only continue to go up.  Renting isn’t completely off the table, though.  It’s just not our first hope.

I’m going to try to blog on a more regular basis.  I’ll try to give you updates on the house and the wedding.

Hope your Monday treats you well!

ups and downs

My apartment manager is a complete fuck-tard.  My administrator at work has it in for me.  My girlfriend’s mom does not like me.

These things are giving me a shit-ton of anxiety in combination.  I would say that it might be me, but the apartment manager clearly has “small man” issues and needs to engage in constant power plays, my administrator doesn’t like my boss (and so by extension tries to take it out on me), and my girlfriend’s mom is, sadly, a miserable person.

Here are the good sides of each of those.  I am planning on moving out at the end of my lease this March or April.  My boss is a great protector for me and will go to bat for me against the administrator.  My girlfriend has already and will continue to talk to her mom about acceptable ways of treating me.

But now I am going to eat dinner and binge on Gilmore Girls.



Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone!  Or, at least, Merry Christmas to the few who may still read this blog.  I am going to try to get more consistent at updating.  But I have let several things go by the wayside in recent months, so…

I had a good holiday overall.  Woke up with my girl, went to my folks’, came home.  Everything went smoothly, which is great.

I had the urge to play my guitar when I got home, so I did until my fingers got too sore to continue.  I haven’t really played in months/years, depending on how you look at it.  I haven’t played regularly in years, for sure.  I think my problem is two-fold.  One, I am not as disciplined as I ought to be. Two, I learned to play in a religious context, and nearly all my music is church-based.  Which is slightly problematic at this point in my life.  What I need to do is find some teach yourself guitar books (because I am at best a basic rhythm guitarist) and song books that are easy and have songs I know already.

It’s that or sell my guitar to someone who will play it regularly.  Musical instruments should be played, not stored.  Plus, my guitar is a solid top Martin, so not a bad guitar at all.

Night, all.


Happy Thanksgiving?

I know it’s been forever since I blogged.  Not for lack of intention, but somehow I just haven’t made the time.  I think a lot of it is that I spend all day on my computer at work, so when I get home, I don’t want to spend more time on it…

Overall, things have been great.  There are a few hiccups at work, but nothing big or worth mentioning at this point.  So I’ll get to the point of today and leave the last few months in the past.

Today I had Thanksgiving with my girlfriend’s family.  Tomorrow we will do the same with my family.

But today left me feeling horrible.  Growing up, my family had a bad relationship with my dad’s family, in particular his mom, but also his sisters tended to follow suit.  They did not like my mom (and so by extension us kids), and it wasn’t a secret.  I grew to hate holidays, and when we were finally uninvited from family events, I was relieved.  I’ve always sworn I would never be with someone if we can’t get along with each other’s families.

So, my girlfriend’s mom is a mean bitch.  The problem is that she is a mean bitch to everyone who is not her family.  But my fucking god, it reminded me of everything I felt growing up at family holidays.  And now I have to figure out a way to talk to my girlfriend about it.  Somehow I have to be able to talk about it objectively, even though nothing I feel about it is objective at all.

At least tomorrow should be good.  My immediate family has a pretty good time together over all.  My brother will be there with the kids, as well.

Big sighs and deep breaths.


past due parental meet up post

I never did get around to telling you about how it went when T met the parents.  I mean, I think I mentioned it briefly…

The first meeting was at my niece’s birthday party in June, as planned.  It was pretty chill; the parents were friendly.  There was no weirdness or angst.  I did find out after that my mom was upset that she was the last to know (my siblings knew first), but I told her there were pics of us on facebook, so if she ever logged in…  Anyway.  It was weird to have her upset that I hadn’t told her.  Encouraging almost.

Since then, there have been many opportunities to interact.  We went to a little shopping nook with my parents and sister and had lunch.  We did a day trip for my birthday.  There was another niece’s birthday.  My parents moved last month, so we’ve helped a few (3 or 4) times with that.  We’ve been out for my sister’s birthday.  They’ve been so friendly and open.  I’m sure they’d still rather I was not gay, but I’m so pleased they are being nice.  Mom even gives T hugs.

Honestly, I could have never expected this.  Granted, the level of excitement my mom feels for my brother’s girlfriend definitely eclipses how she feels about my own; however, that is to be expected.  (Although, I would like to point out that my brother’s girlfriend has not helped with the move even once. I’ve got that beat.  But I think T and I both feel like we need to go above and beyond to win the parents over.  Plus, I owe it to my folks. They’ve helped me out so much over the years.)

It’s good.  It’s weird and unexpected, but it’s good.  Maybe in time, they will see it as a good thing, as well.


summer angst & other stories

I think that warm weather makes me angsty. It definitely makes me cranky.

Lately… I don’t know. I think I cause my own problems sometimes.  Today has been a doozy of a day.  (Yes, I just said “doozy.” I may be 35 physically, but I’m definitely a grandma on the inside.)

This morning, I checked my mail to find  notice from my doctor saying she is moving to a different clinic.  The doctor it took me over a year to find. The doctor that didn’t give me strange looks because I present butch, that was comfortable with talking about sex (and *gasp* lesbian sex, including toys), that made me feel like I could actually talk with her about health issues instead of feeling awkward and uncomfortable and wishing I were anywhere else.  Damn.

Then I got to work and realized I’d made a mistake that will cost my organization about $1,000.  Now, in the big scheme of things (our annual operating budget is about $18 million–or was it $8 million –either way, it’s a lot), it’s not a big deal, but losing money is the exact opposite goal of my job.  Anyway, my boss was great about it, so that’s nice, but I still feel like trash.

And then, to ruin my otherwise not great day even further, on the way home, I had a total jackass behind me.  White, middle aged male, in case you were wondering what type.  I was at a light, with a protected left turn, but the traffic turning was backed up into the intersection, so I didn’t go.  That’s when he started honking, gesturing at me, and flipping me off.  When the light turned yellow and I still didn’t go (with the cars ever present, blocking the other lanes of traffic), he got even angrier.  Then when the light turned green again, and it was clear, he laid on the horn and gave a long lasting blast as I went through the light in front of him.  He continued for quite some time, and since I was only going toward more non-moving traffic, I went about 5 miles an hour to get there (because I am a bit petty).  Anyway, he finally pulled over after passing me, which made me nervous because I was worried he would get back behind me to follow, but he did not.

But what the fuck?  What an asshole.

Regarding the woes I was having with my bestie, we have made up.  She apologized, and we’ve talked it out, and I feel good about that.  She is making a clear effort to make time for me, and that’s all I can ask for.  However, her birthday has passed, and I still don’t know what to get her.  Oi.

In non-angsty news (mostly), my sister’s birthday is next weekend.  I found a super cool Dr. Who themed steam punk style fascinator.  She’s a fan of both.  Of course I decided it needed a hat box.  Word to the wise: you can buy cute hat boxes at Daiso for $1.50.  Do not attempt to decorate your own that you got at Michael’s. It’s a fuck ton more work than you would imagine, not to mention the cost is greater.  Anyway, I got some cream colored canvas for the outside, plus used some great blue cheetah print fabric for the inside.  I need to hot glue on a nice ribbon for the hat box band, and I stenciled on a fantastic Victorian style “S” (for her name) that I also sprinkled with diamond dust glitter.  I should take pics when I’m all the way done because I think it’s turned out well.  However, next time, I swear, Daiso it is.  (I didn’t know until after I’d done most of the work.)

And now, I am sitting shirtless at my computer (damn weather), drinking a beer, and figuring out how to kill time until I head to my girlfriend’s for the weekend.  (I am waiting for traffic to die down.)

I hope you all are having a better day than me.  I also hope my weekend does not follow suit from today!


Friends and girlfriends

This week has been an emotional roller coaster, but without any of the ups.

I don’t know what to do about the friend situation I’m in.  There have been a series of slow texts between the two of us.  I’m not sure if I want to try to repair or if I just want to let it remain broken.  I unfriended her (and her husband) on facebook a couple days ago.  That was only because I truly felt (feel?) there is nothing left to what we had and no point in keeping anything.  With that, I couldn’t handle seeing her on social media.

And I am a purger.  I often purge too early or too thoroughly, but sometimes it’s what I need.  But if we try to repair, I don’t know how feasible it would be.  The hurt on both sides–the hurt I’ve felt and didn’t communicate until too late and the hurt I’ve committed toward her during the blow out–it’s nothing to be forgotten easily.

In other news, my girlfriend showed up unexpectedly last night at 4am.  With alcohol on her breath.  She is currently sleeping, but I can guarantee there will be a conversation about this once she’s up.  I’m not pleased.  One, I’m certain she was driving with too much alcohol in her system.  Two, I do not like being woken up in the middle of the night (and so close to my normal waking time that I was unable to go back to sleep).  Three, I have a plan for my night/day that I do not like to have hijacked.  I can forgive a one time dalliance, but if this is a thing that happens more, then that is something I will not be able to handle.  Making bad life choices is one thing, but making bad life choices and involving me is quite another.

I don’t like excessive drinking. I don’t like unsafe choices.  I am 100% not okay with driving under the influence.  I am not okay with someone not respecting my personal space.  While I am certain that sober she would not have made that choice, that is exactly the problem.  I don’t want to date someone who is going to make those kind of choices and then involve me in them.  I have a feeling she will feel bad when she wakes up, but I want to be with someone who will not make the kind of choices she has to feel bad about when she wakes up.  Anyway, I’m hoping this is a one-off and we can move on.

What a mess.


emo post

A quick edit to my last post.  T and I have been officially dating five months, not six.  I am rubbish at math.

I hate change. I hate becoming irrelevant and unnecessary and unwanted.  It takes me a long time to truly let someone in my life, but when I do, I do come to rely on them in a way that I’m never quite comfortable with.  So when that relationship ends (specifically friendship in this instance), it first takes me a long time to realize it, then to accept it, then to be willing to let anyone else in again.

I have had a long-distance friend for most of my adult life, and it seems like we have finally grown apart.  Or, more accurately, she has grown apart from me.  Her life is busy and full, and while I would say mine is as well, hers is in a way that does not necessitate my presence in her life any longer.  I am happy that she has good friends nearby, a husband she loves, a job she likes.  But I am sad that it means I have been pushed out and made obsolete.

I have seen it coming for months, but have desperately tried to ignore and deny it.  The problem is, I can’t anymore.  I’m not capable of being the one friend who makes time and space and makes the other a priority when it is so painfully clear that I am not one in return.  I can’t be a leftover friend to someone that I view as a best friend.  Maybe this is selfish of me, but I get to choose that part.

So now I’m going to spend the rest of the evening feel sad and sorry for myself.  I’ll pick myself up in the morning and remind myself that I am an independent person who is self-sufficient and needs no one, but I’ll wallow a bit tonight.


July already?!

Somehow it has been over a month since I last posted.  To be fair, June was a really busy month for me (and generally is): my dad’s birthday, Father’s Day, my niece’s birthday, my birthday, Pride…

I’m 35 now.  That’s a weird feeling.  Halfway through my 30’s.  I don’t mind aging–I still consider myself young.  But I’m also aware of reality.  I want to be able to buy a house before I’m 40, and that is looking like it will be a struggle.  I would also like to have the mortgage paid off before ‘retirement.’  (I don’t know that I’ll ever truly retire–I doubt I’d be able to afford it.)  But I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get these things done.  I’m still paying off my student loan (set to have it paid in full this December if all goes well), so I can’t even start saving for a down payment until then.  6.8% interest is no joke (thanks, government).

In more immediate news, yesterday my water heater started leaking.  It’s going pretty well, actually.  I woke up this early am to the sound of water splashing over the sides of the pot I put under the leak.  Anyway, my apartment manager refused to do anything about it yesterday and will not tell me if it will be taken care of today, so… I’m pissed, as you can imagine–he just wanted me to turn the water off and use a vacant apartment that he left unlocked and that at least one other person is currently using (no thank you).  Thank goodness I have a little carpet extractor (attached to my carpet stain cleaner).  I was able to get up most of the water from the carpet that had soaked in before I found the leak.  I’ve had a fan on it since yesterday, so now it’s mostly dry.  But what about most people who do not have these things or would not care to do them?  Damn apartment living.

T and I are still going strong.  We’ve both been a little grouchy lately, which is annoying, but which is also life.  It’ll be six months this month.

That’s all to report for now.  I hope you all are doing well. 🙂  Remind me to tell you next time how it went for T to meet the parents (spoiler: way the fuck better than I could have imagined).