emo post

A quick edit to my last post.  T and I have been officially dating five months, not six.  I am rubbish at math.

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I hate change. I hate becoming irrelevant and unnecessary and unwanted.  It takes me a long time to truly let someone in my life, but when I do, I do come to rely on them in a way that I’m never quite comfortable with.  So when that relationship ends (specifically friendship in this instance), it first takes me a long time to realize it, then to accept it, then to be willing to let anyone else in again.

I have had a long-distance friend for most of my adult life, and it seems like we have finally grown apart.  Or, more accurately, she has grown apart from me.  Her life is busy and full, and while I would say mine is as well, hers is in a way that does not necessitate my presence in her life any longer.  I am happy that she has good friends nearby, a husband she loves, a job she likes.  But I am sad that it means I have been pushed out and made obsolete.

I have seen it coming for months, but have desperately tried to ignore and deny it.  The problem is, I can’t anymore.  I’m not capable of being the one friend who makes time and space and makes the other a priority when it is so painfully clear that I am not one in return.  I can’t be a leftover friend to someone that I view as a best friend.  Maybe this is selfish of me, but I get to choose that part.

So now I’m going to spend the rest of the evening feel sad and sorry for myself.  I’ll pick myself up in the morning and remind myself that I am an independent person who is self-sufficient and needs no one, but I’ll wallow a bit tonight.