a cat is purring next to me. this is bliss.

I kind of hate that any time past 8pm feels late. But there it is.

I’m not going to the Women’s March this weekend. Maybe I should, but…  here’s the thing.  I don’t really have many friends in the area (i.e. people I know to march with), I’m not a big fan of crowds, and I live in a very blue area of my state.  So… I’m super happy that this thing is happening. I’m excited that thousands upon thousands will be marching.  However, I think I will end up visiting my brother and nieces instead.

More and more, I am realizing that I need a group, people, a crew, a core.  It’s lonely being by myself, and I am not even talking in a romantic sense (that part is not lonely–I still maintain that the main driving force behind wanting to find a LTR is financial stability).  My friends are few and far between and all very busy with their own lives.

I went to a party yesterday at one of my newer friends’ houses (who is also my barber).  And it was a party of queers–all kinds, and I remembered again how comfortable I feel in those situations, how much I feel like they are my people and the people I need.  I need to focus on getting more queer friends, on establishing a friend group here, one that has space for me and a desire to include me in their lives.

After our fifth date, I decided I didn’t want to see that woman I mentioned anymore, and so I texted her my reasons, and she concurred.  And all I could think was that I was the more forthright of the two of us, since I was reading her hesitations to her and telling her the situation wasn’t going to work for me, despite the fact that it was only that way because it wasn’t working for her.  How frustrating that people, adults, can’t seem to speak up or acknowledge what it is they are truly looking for.  Learn who you are, embrace it, acknowledge it, give yourself space to breath and grow.

I am going to bed. It is late, and I am tired.

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