Update: I’m going.
I kind of hate that any time past 8pm feels late. But there it is.
I’m not going to the Women’s March this weekend. Maybe I should, but… here’s the thing. I don’t really have many friends in the area (i.e. people I know to march with), I’m not a big fan of crowds, and I live in a very blue area of my state. So… I’m super happy that this thing is happening. I’m excited that thousands upon thousands will be marching. However, I think I will end up visiting my brother and nieces instead.
More and more, I am realizing that I need a group, people, a crew, a core. It’s lonely being by myself, and I am not even talking in a romantic sense (that part is not lonely–I still maintain that the main driving force behind wanting to find a LTR is financial stability). My friends are few and far between and all very busy with their own lives.
I went to a party yesterday at one of my newer friends’ houses (who is also my barber). And it was a party of queers–all kinds, and I remembered again how comfortable I feel in those situations, how much I feel like they are my people and the people I need. I need to focus on getting more queer friends, on establishing a friend group here, one that has space for me and a desire to include me in their lives.
After our fifth date, I decided I didn’t want to see that woman I mentioned anymore, and so I texted her my reasons, and she concurred. And all I could think was that I was the more forthright of the two of us, since I was reading her hesitations to her and telling her the situation wasn’t going to work for me, despite the fact that it was only that way because it wasn’t working for her. How frustrating that people, adults, can’t seem to speak up or acknowledge what it is they are truly looking for. Learn who you are, embrace it, acknowledge it, give yourself space to breath and grow.
I am going to bed. It is late, and I am tired.
My weekend is going to be busy, but hopefully good.
Tomorrow I am spending the day in the city with a friend I haven’t seen in awhile. She has had a hard time knowing how to be my friend since I came out, but in the way that she tries too hard. The last time we had a good talk on the phone, she asked if she was awkward, which went a long way with me for knowing things will be okay with her (eventually). She just needs to realize that there is nothing different. (Except for everything.)
After that, I am going to an art show with someone I have been maybe seeing.
Then on Sunday, I am going to a Polka Dot Party at my barber’s house (also my friend). I’m nervous because I will know no one, but I don’t plan on being there very long, so that will help.
This evening, in preparation for my busy/anxious weekend, I cleaned. I scrubbed my shower/tub from top to bottom, not to mention the rest of the bathroom. I spot cleaned the carpet where one of the cats puked recently (damn puke is so hard to clean without the machine). I did all my dishes. I put away papers. I’m doing a load of laundry.
Of course, I am due to start my period at any time (probably tomorrow), because life. Thank goodness for my ladycup.
In other news, you can both download Stone Butch Blues for free on Leslie Feinberg’s site, or you can purchase an on-demand copy from LuLu.com (link on the same site). Since it’s out of print and impossible to find used, I just ordered a copy from LuLu.com. I can’t wait to own it!
If I open the window in my apartment, at any point, no matter where she is, my Shelby-cat comes running. It’s kind of funny. I feel bad for her in the winter, because I so rarely open the window. I just did, however, since it was feeling rather stuffy. So she’s up there, sitting directly in front of the freezing cold air coming in through the screen, and joined by my Sophie-cat (but with slightly less enthusiasm).
That is not what I meant to write about, but my cats are just so darn cute. I recently got a good picture of them together–I’ll post it sometime so you can agree with me.
I can’t write about politics on here. I’m too anxious about it. Nothing I hear or read is good. I listen to NPR until I can’t handle it, then I listen to pop music to sooth my soul. I feel like I should be doing something, but I don’t hardly know what to do.
I am in love with a sandwich recipe. Here it is, basically (feel free to adjust, since I certainly change it on the regular):
-Cut up carrots (1.5 lb in theory), toss with olive oil, paprika (or pepper) and salt. Roast at 450 for 40-50 minutes until charred & shriveled.
-Mash/mix the following into a spread: 15 oz cannellini beans (drained & rinsed), 4 oz mascarpone cheese (or goat cheese or cream cheese or…), 1 tsp fresh rosemary, juice of 1/2 lemon, 1 garlic clove, 1/2 tsp salt, 2 tbsp olive oil (the good tasting stuff).
-Put on bread, add sliced cucumber if desired. Best if the carrots are warm, in my opinion. They reheat well in a toaster oven (I don’t use microwaves, so I can give no recommendation there).
I have been making my own little sandwich rolls for it using my favorite no-knead bread recipe. It’s so easy–I generally do a half recipe since I live alone. It has great flavor, texture, the works. And it’s a mix it and leave it recipe, which is great for when you’re busy.
This recipe also isn’t what I meant to write about. But I just can’t seem to find the energy to talk about anything real lately.