androgyny

I went out on like three dates last week.  It was too many.  One was a butch, with whom I had nothing in common.  She was hot, but our lives were too opposite.  Another was a librarian, but she had nothing interesting to say (or maybe I didn’t). Regardless, we couldn’t find any points of connection.  The last was a femme who doesn’t believe bisexuals exist and that trans or gender non-conforming people insisting on their correct/chosen pronouns is annoying.  (I do not have time for that kind of shit. It’s 2016. And shouldn’t we LGBTQ+ folk be interested in the welfare of the whole group, not just the L or G??)

Speaking of femmes, speaking of beating a dead horse, I have tried and tried. I just can’t get into them.  I’ve done my best.  I’m giving up.

I don’t think it’s being a femme that inherently turns me off. I think it’s their perspective on gender (to be fair, not all of them will feel this way).  I finally am starting to figure something out.  I don’t want to be made to feel gender.  The femmes I’ve gone out with have all wanted me to be the masculine butch. But I don’t want to be that.  I think I fall more into the androgynous butch category (is this a category? If not, I’m making it one right now).  I dress butch, but I feel androgynous.  I don’t want to feel like a woman and I don’t want to feel like a man.  I want to feel like a nothing.

I still feel most comfortable with she/her pronouns, although I suppose that could change.  But even if it doesn’t, I’m allowed to feel like neither and use female pronouns, right?

So that to say, when I’m with other androgynous or butch women, they never make me feel gender.  They just feel like me, which is a good feeling.  In retrospect, the ones I’ve felt the most connection with have had similar feelings about their gender.

So now I’m learning to express this, learning that it’s important.  And I’m learning what it means for me.

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