I’ve found that since starting to dress how I like and look how I feel comfortable looking, if I wear anything that looks distinctly feminine, I feel all sorts of anxiety. I’m not sure if this is something that will last or if it’s because I’m still in the new-ish stages of expressing my identity (with the idea that in the beginning, you hold much tighter to the identity than once it’s become comfortable/old). Either way, in the meantime, I really only have a few items left that could be considered specifically feminine. I don’t want to put myself into a rigid box, but I also want to feel good about how I look. It’s a confusing line to walk.
I had my third date yesterday with C. I’m making dinner for her next week. It’s going very well, so naturally I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I’m too sleepy to write more.
My tattoo is done! I don’t want to post a picture until it’s more healed. It’s not the best looking at the moment, since it’s so fresh. It’s beautiful and wonderful, and I’m so pleased with the artwork. The eagle is blue, which I need to get used to. It’s the first color ink I’ve had done, and it’s just so weird to see such a bright color on my skin. Don’t get me wrong, I like it. It’s just different.
It’s Friday and the end of week three at my new job. Still going well. I definitely made the right decision. My last job was just not a good fit–never was, probably never would have been. This is a much better fit.
I have a post brewing about my feelings regarding my personal gender presentation, so I’ll try to get that written soon. But now, I have to put on clothes and get to work.
I’ve successfully accomplished two weeks of work at my new job. So far, so good. I’m enjoying what I’m learning and the tasks. It does bring to mind the question of if I should start the python course in January. I have until December to decide. Here are my quick thoughts about it: I have found myself on a career path for finance, and the jobs I’ve had so far are preparing me for a good job someday in a non-profit context (which is what I want). However, will finance be interesting long term? If I take the python course, I will want to use it–it’s $1000/quarter and three quarters long. I’m not so flush that I want to spend $3000 on something I’m not certain I will use. That’s a lot of money. It could go to my student loan. But what if I take it and don’t use it or can’t get a job–it is a very competitive field, after all. Ugh.
The last date I mentioned — the thai dinner person — we never ended up going bouldering. But she was recently separated from a long term relationship, so she wasn’t exactly ready for a relationship anyway. Or anything, in my opinion.
Since then, I’ve gone on a couple dates with another person. She thinks vulnerability is a good thing. At the end of our second date, she laid all her cards on the table. I was in shock, to be honest. Not at what she said–nothing shocking about that–but that she was willing to be so open. It has been my experience that I’ve had to put my cards on the table first, with generally a lack of cards in return. (That has not always been the case, of course.)
She’s femme, but not like super femme or anything. Just… femme-ish. I have all sorts of fears about dating a femme presenting woman, so I’m going to have to work through those myself. My big fear is them wanting me to be part of a fake heteronormative relationship because I present butch. But that is an unfair fear, I think. She has given me no indication that she is looking for that, and while it is something I should bring up eventually for my own piece of mind if we keep going on dates, I can just continue forward and see how things go… Right?
Today starts the first of three evenings out in a row. Tonight I am seeing a movie at a queer film festival with a friend. Tomorrow I am going to dinner and a concert with a friend of a friend who recently moved to the area. The next night I am getting my tattoo finished. Phew.
I take things too much to heart. I hear about a member of the queer community, of my queer community, dying and even if I have not met them, it is a blow that knocks me low. These are never natural deaths. They are premature and unnecessary.
Perhaps I do not take it too much to heart. Perhaps I take it just enough to heart.
So, feeling a little down already, I thought I may as well watch Titanic, because despite what you think of the actual movie, the real life events were horrific. I watched the movie, then I googled true life stories from the Titanic, then I finally went to bed at midnight. What a stupidly late night.
A frequently odd part of my dreams is that I will have a dream reality that is a surprise to me in the dream–by that I mean, there has been a passage of time that included certain actions for which I have no memory, but I obviously can see the effects in the dream. Last night I dreamt about getting work done on a tattoo that I didn’t know I had.
The tattoo itself was of animals… There was a giraffe on my back that went up my neck. In fact, the giraffe’s neck was on my neck and the head was positioned behind my ear, almost nuzzling me. There were other animals, too, but the giraffe was what made the biggest impression (mostly because I had no memory of getting it).
I was at a home studio with my artist (my real-life artist), and I had to find shorts to wear, since I had also forgotten about my appointment and showed up in jeans. (How did I show up to an appointment I forgot about? And if the tattoo was on my back, why did it matter what pants I had on?) Oddly, real life friend of mine must have lived there in the dream and she let me borrow her shorts. They were tiny, athletic style, and hot pink. Um. Yeah.
I may have ass grazed my artist twice in the dream–both times by accident (perhaps) and both times profusely apologized for. Granted, my artist is super hot . But still.
All of that to say, today I set up my next appointment for my real life tattoo in real life. In a couple Tuesdays, I should be getting my Hogwarts Crest finished, which is on my leg, for which I will wear shorts (albeit not tiny or hot pink). I’m super excited.
While I officially started my new job on Friday, today is my first real day. I’m oscillating between being excited and having huge amounts of anxiety. I’m not worried about the workload itself–that I know I can learn. I’m worried that it won’t be a good fit or I won’t like it or their lutheran affiliation will come back to bite me in the ass somehow.
I made a tuna sandwich for lunch, with the good tuna, and my cats were really excited about it. I’m not as excited about it because I don’t have any relish.
I have my Christmas cards ready to go, nice and early. Every year, I take a picture of me with the cats and make it into a Christmas card. I started it as a joke, and I continue it for mostly the same reason. Anyway, I guess I’m a couple months early, but last year I was almost late, so I prefer this way.
What is motivation for working out? I really need something to help get me out of bed in the morning.